January 26, 2017, 11:44 PM

Oh wow, I can't believe I'm actually leaving a message for the President of the United States. I got your number from Stephen, I hope that's okay. Never in my wildest dreams did I think something like this could happen to me. I mean, you're the leader of the free world and I'm just a concrete barrier or a series of steel slats or whatever. I mean whatever, like I'll be whatever you want me to be and not “whatever” like I'm being dismissive of your ideas. Now I'm thinking my attempt at clarity only made things more confusing. Just know that I made air quotes around that last whatever, quotes you couldn't possibly have seen because this is a phone call and not FaceTime or Skype. Am I rambling? It feels like I'm rambling. My apologies Mr. President. I'm so nervous! Anyway, I just wanted to congratulate you on winning the election. Consider this a friendly call from a wall to a wall enthusiast. Okay, I'm hanging up now. Call me back—or don't. I'm not bossing you around. You're in charge. MAGA!

What is wrong with me? I must have sounded like such a jack ass. FML!

Oh god, I'm sorry Mr. President I thought I hung up. This is so embarrassing.

January 29, 2017, 1:03 AM

Hi Mr. President. I'm sorry to bother you again. I know you're very busy running the country but I really need to speak with you. It won't take long – ten minutes tops. Unless, of course, you want more time. I'm flexible. Well, I mean, I'm not flexible, I'm rigid. Wait, I am both flexible and inflexible. This isn't making sense. Ugh! Here, how about this? I have a flexible schedule but I, personally, am made of very strong and durable materials which make me stiff. You see, I'm stiff. No, that sounded wrong. I'm getting off the line. Please call me at your earliest convenience.

March 11, 2017, 2:21 AM

¡Hola señor presidente! Maybe that was the wrong way to start. Ignore this message.

June 3, 2017, 10:19 PM

Hey, it's me again. I know I shouldn't keep calling but I'm feeling really vulnerable right now. Look, you're the one who said murderers and rapists are pouring into the country. How do you think that makes me feel? They're not going to like me. What if one of them goes after me with a sledgehammer. I saw what those Germans did to my cousin. Did I mention I hate spiders? It's not like you're putting me in the Rockies because, you know, that would be redundant. No, the dessert is full of black widows. What if one decides to climb on me? Are you going to install some automated shoe technology to quash the little bastards? Don't get me wrong, I'm up for the job but I need to know someone is looking after me. Let's face it you don't have the best track record when it comes to long term relationships. That felt mean. I'm sorry. Forgive me, I'm just so worried.

September 19, 2017, 2:28 AM

I get it. You're not really interested in me. I'm just an object you can show off to your friends. “Ooh look, I'm Donald Trump and I have a big wall!” I thought you were laying the foundation for something real but no, this is about you. I remember when you first spoke my name and how you used to call me your “big, beautiful wall.” That was all lip service, wasn't it?

February 14, 2018, 3:44 AM

I'm obsessed with you! I'm obsessed – with you! You're the one who wanted this relationship. You're the one who talked about me all the time. You don't return my calls for months and then have the nerve to say that to me! You know what, I have better things to do. I just wanted to hold up someone's house and now, now I'm nothing. You hear that—I'm nothing. Oh, and thanks for being a dick on Valentine's Day. I'm going to spend the most romantic day of the year drinking and listening to “More Than Words” on repeat you asshole!

August 1, 2018, 9:58 PM

Look, I don't want to talk to you. We're done! Oh, and by the way, calling me insecure doesn't help your case.

January 11, 2019, 7:45 PM

You should see the way people are talking about me on Twitter. They hate me and it's all because of you! What am I saying? Why am I leaving yet another message for someone who doesn't seem to get the message? You've me'd yourself off from reality but let me see if this gets across: you and I are not wanted.

May 5, 2019, 3:21 PM

Hey it's me, wall. I'm still mad at you but I wanted to make sure you're okay. The news says you're in trouble, that the “walls are closing in.” And yes, that is offensive! Walls are not some boogeyman hiding in your closet! Well, we might be in your closet, but that's only because we're load-bearing! Anyway, I'm here for you and should the worst happen I promise to visit. Also, I have family on the inside so I can put in a good word.