I can't help noticing that rash on your elbow. It looks contagious. I have an in-depth knowledge of rashes, because I happen to be married to a doctor. My wife went to medical school. A medical school in Boston. Harvard Medical School, that is. Have you heard of it? Of course, you've heard of it. Everyone's heard of it.

Michael Crichton went there. You know, the one who wrote Jurassic Park. He didn't attend Harvard at the same time as my wife, no, but it was the same school. My wife hasn't written a best-selling novel that spawned a series of blockbuster movies, but she could if she wanted to. But she doesn't have the time, because she's too busy being a doctor.

Do you see that church we're passing just now? That's where I got my MR/MD when I married my wife. I don't like to use the title “doctor” for myself, because it doesn't fully encapsulate my credentials the way MR/MD does. How is it pronounced? Merrmud. Sounds badass, doesn't it?

When I married my wife, I assumed all of her knowledge. That's how marriage works. Marriage means sharing everything. If we get divorced, I'm getting custody of her medical degree. I helped her so much by making her coffee and reading over her shoulder when she was studying for her board exams that basically, we passed her board exams.

My friends are meeting me at the station. I'd like to refer to them as my colleagues. I can't, of course, because none of them is married to a doctor. One of them is a doctor, but he isn't married, so he's not qualified to be my colleague. I sometimes refer to my friends as my patients, because I'm always giving them medical advice. For instance, one of my friends has a daughter who says she's a trans man. I told her that her daughter will always be female, no matter what she says, because sex is real. It's science, and I know all about that. My wife's specialty is Emergency Medicine and I read the internet, which makes me an expert on sex and gender.

What's my education? I have a BA in Military History—and my wife's MD, because my wife is a doctor. Did I mention that? I did? Well, it bears repeating, as I said to my wife during our pregnancy and while we were doing her residency at Stanford—that's a prestigious medical school in California. John McEnroe went there. Not to study Medicine, of course, because he's not a doctor like my wife. My wife could kick Serena Williams' ass at tennis, but she's too busy being a doctor. I could kick Serena Williams' ass at tennis, because I'm a man and I'm naturally athletic, and my wife is a doctor.

What do you do? Oh, you're a professor of gender studies. Are you married to a doctor? That's too bad. We'll have to chat again sometime. I can explain science and gender to you.


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