December 1999

Hello and Welcome to Novelty New Years Glasses, LLC. For years our competitors over at NYE Glasses Inc., have dominated the party scene with generic novelty eye-wear; adorning their New Years' glasses with corny Champagne flutes and boring clocks set to midnight.

This year we’re giving them a run for their money. We’re proud to introduce a new product line for the next millennium: Silly “2000” shaped glasses, where the zeros are the holes for the eyes. We’re certain that our patented “zeros for eyes” design will make us the number one New Year Eve party glasses for 2000, 2001, 2002… literally any year for decades to come.

December 2009

Dear employees, there have been rumblings around the office about how our company will manage to pull off our famous “zeros for eyes” design in the year 2010. Rest assured, as long as there are two zeros in the year, the “zeros for eyes” design will work. We’ll just put the “1” in between the two eye holes this year.

This small change will send a message to those fat cats over at NYE Glasses, Inc. that we are a force to be reckoned with.

December 2010

Due to unforeseeable events, 2011 will bring an end to our “zeros for eyes” product line. In order to make ends meet, we regretfully must resort to cheap novelty stars and glitter, just like those try-hards over at NYE Glasses, Inc.

December 2010 (later)

Stop the glitter! Against all odds, the design department found a way to turn the “1” into a quirky little eye hole. This new design ensures that people will enjoy Novelty New Years Glasses, LLC for generations!

December 2019

Two decades ago, we set out to do one thing: make the silliest New Years' Eve glasses the world has ever known. My announcement today proves that we’ve accomplished just that: Novelty New Years Glasses, LLC will be acquiring NYE Glasses, Inc. to form a single company: The Novelty NYE New Years Glasses Glasses Corporation.

We’ve had our ups and downs over the years (the dreaded year of the single zero comes to mind), but this acquisition makes us unstoppable. The coming year is 2020. That means the return of our classic “zeros for eyes” design where the zeros are the holes for the eye. I’m confident that as long as there is a New Year's Eve, people will attend large social gatherings wearing our glasses across the globe.

Nothing will ever stop that from happening.

December 2020

What is time? I know a year is the earth's full orbit around the sun, but doesn’t that seem a bit arbitrary in the grand scheme of things? The designers assured me they would have a new 2021 design ready, but they’re a month behind schedule.

My guess is they’ll probably put a hole in a “2” or “1.” Apparently anything can be a pair of glasses if you poke two holes in it. Where’s the novelty in that? Do you want to know what novelty looks like in 2020? I wore pants today. Glasses can’t compete with that. In a novelty contest between glasses and pants, pants win every time.

That’s why I just decided that this year, we’re releasing pants instead of glasses. The pants won’t have a New Year's theme. They’re just pants. My hope is that we all muster the energy to bring in this new year wearing pants, (or whatever else brings you a sense of dignity) as we say goodbye to this awful year.

Happy New Year everyone and remember: sweatpants are still technically pants.