After being “temporarily” laid off, I’ve been scouring the depths of the internet (okay, I went on Indeed twice) to find a job for which I’m qualified. Weirdly I didn’t see any of those, but if anyone can help me out, these are the kind of roles I’m looking for…
WANTED: Make-Believe Star of Reality Show
Seeking creative self-starter who is delusional and lonely enough to pretend they are a contestant on a reality television show. The perfect candidate has extensive conversations with themselves in the shower and gives “Confessionals” to their mirror, ideally talking about other imagined contestants. Will also consider Make-Believe Celebrities on Talk Shows.
- A shaky grip on reality at best
- Enough Bravo watched to cause brain damage
- An unfulfilled need for drama in day-to-day life
WANTED: Liquor Cabinet Scavenger
Looking for a motivated individual with an absurdly high alcohol tolerance and complete lack of taste palette to consume the dregs of old bottles of liquor that have been on shelf of home for at least seven years, possibly longer.
- The bottle of Manischewitz purchased for Passover 1993
- The bottle of Peach Schnapps that has mysteriously always been there even though no one that you know has ever purchased or drank or wanted Peach Schnapps
- The bottle of Crown Royal that was given to your parents to congratulate your birth, along with a box of cigars that were smoked in the hospital
- Applicant should have strong stomach, with demonstrable experience
- Applicant should at some point have questioned if they are an alcoholic
- Applicant should be either too poor, too lazy, or too committed to quarantining to restock alcohol they actually enjoy drinking
WANTED: Millennial Who “Doesn’t Get” Tik Tok
The ideal candidate is a 25- to 35-year-old with a Boomer-like mentality to any new social media or technology popular with the younger generation. Strong applicants will possess a crippling fear of becoming old and irrelevant, and a subconscious urge to reject a younger community before it rejects them.
- Must have downloaded TikTok at some point and later deleted it
- Must tell everyone who mentions TikTok that they don’t have the app
- Bonus if candidate has secretly learned or attempted to learn a TikTok dance alone during quarantine
WANTED: Director of Paranoia About Parents Getting Sick
The right person will have a natural knack for worrying about things beyond their control, exacerbated immensely by the COVID-19 pandemic. A good fit is someone who lies awake at night pondering doomsday scenarios where their elderly parents contract a deadly strain of coronavirus from a cereal box in their delivery groceries and die. This is a high-level anxiety role, entry-level applicants need not apply.
- 5+ years of a diagnosed anxiety disorder, self-diagnosis OK
- Constant indecision over whether to visit parents and receive comforts of home and risk killing them with your young and asymptomatic lungs
- Multiple guilt trips per day from parents phoning you to come see them
WANTED: Podcast Idea Creator
This position needs someone committed to coming up with ideas and doing absolutely no work whatsoever to bring them to fruition. Strong applicants will have a Note in their phone of all the podcasts they should start, and should only ever open Note to ignore old ideas and write in new ones. Ideas generated need not be original or even good. Bonus if ideas only make sense while high. Also accepting applications for Company Ideas Creator and App Ideas Creator.
- Zero work ethic
- Ability to be easily distracted and give up quickly
- A pair of AirPods perpetually coated in earwax
WANTED: Leech for Paid Zoom Account
Seeking ambitious candidate who can reliably freeload on a friend or acquaintance’s Zoom subscription for the unforeseeable future. Will invite subscription holder to virtual happy hours, workouts, and game nights solely for use of their Zoom and feel no shame. Will later insist on splitting $4.00 Uber with said friend or acquaintance.
- 3+ additional subscriptions that you use but don’t pay for (i/e Netflix, Hulu, Family Cell Phone Plan)
- Must repeatedly ask subscription holder for link to their Zoom meeting room, despite being sent link multiple times already
WANTED: Unusually Long Sleeper
Looking for a determined, basically bed-ridden person who sleeps an almost scientifically impossible amount. The perfect applicant will have a nightstand filled with half-drunk cups of water and will not discriminate between day-time attire and pajamas.
- 11+ hours of sleep per 24-hour day
- Sheets that have not been washed in 6+ weeks
WANTED: Naggy Liberal to Remind Everyone of Their Privilege
Seeking a white, affluent person to repeatedly point out the whiteness and affluence of their friends during COVID-19. Viable candidates will insist on bringing this up at the absolute worst times, such as a friend losing their job or a relative trying to apply for unemployment. They are passionate about demonstrating how much they care and saying, “Bet you’re feeling the Bern now!”
- Must make jokes about Trump dying from coronavirus to the people it will most offend
- Must have at one point uttered the phrase, “It could always be worse”