A Fairy Tale Romance for Two
The corona lock-down can be such a marriage saver, if you have the willingness and the right tools. This book helped me to convince my husband, Jonathan, to pause his video game and to enjoy a romantic candle-lit dinner and a heartfelt discussion with me for at least 17 full minutes. Can you believe that? Unfortunately, though, the book had no remedy for Jonathan's snoring.
The art of TP-origami gave me the ideal solution for the 27 packages of 3-ply toilet paper that are sitting in my living room because of Jonathan's hoarding spree. I folded all of it into 7081 cranes and stored them in a chest outside our bathroom.
The good news is that one TP-crane is far more cleansing than half a roll of loose toilet paper - the beak does the heavy lifting. The bad news is that I am still stuck with the 145 cans of tuna and the 4 cartons of pasta that Jonathan also hoarded.
Knitting With Dog Hair
According to this book my Scottish terrier can easily produce four balls of yarns per month. That's at least 3 socks over there. So I am now knitting the best DIY gift for my upcoming wedding anniversary.
The best part? The three-piece set of socks will keep Jonathan's feet warm when he is cold and his mouth shut when he is snoring.
How To Live With An Idiot
Jonathan started learning the trombone, counted out-loud the occurrences of the letter “E” in Wealth of Nations, and practiced torch juggling in our living room - all during my work Zoom conferences.
This book offered me a ton of actionable tips on how I can make the whole “in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part” work without forcing the latter. 100% recommend.
Home Cooked Meals For Sophisticated Palates
“How can someone at your age know to cook only eggs and potatoes?” That was my sweet hubby Jonathan giving me an injection of positive energy the same day I was laid-off.
Thankfully, this book taught me two crucial skills:
a) How to cook the most delicious casserole my palate has ever tasted,
b) How to make Jonathan pay for it. For the past 4 weeks my goal has been to learn to cook every known dish that contains anchovies and artichokes—Jonathan's favorite allergenic foods.
The Do-It-Yourself Lobotomy
This book has been my sanity's last line of defense. I started reading it the day I caught Jonathan chatting with his ex-girlfriend “who is going through a rough patch because of corona.”
You know who else goes through a rough patch and also knows 7 within-the-law-limits ways of performing a lobotomy in her own kitchen, Jonathan?
Hint, you are fucking married to her! How is that for someone who only knows to cook eggs and potatoes, you dumb ass?
How To Be A Widow
I will pull EVERY SINGLE HAIR from your balding dolphin head, you HEARTLESS BASTARD! How could you FORGET MY 35th BIRTHDAY?
You FORGOT the CAKE. You FORGOT the FLOWERS. You even FORGOT to write A MEASLY HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARD. But you DID NOT FORGET to DRIVE ACROSS TOWN ON MY BIRTHDAY to deliver hot soup and meds TO YOUR FAT-ASS EX who is down with corona?
I am going to FUCKING DESTROY YOU! And then I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE—probably with some eggs and potatoes.