If you’ve ever felt like you are fundamentally misunderstanding your Elder God (and who hasn’t?), your online search has probably led you to the “What is your Eldritch Love Language?” quiz at some point. The phrase has been ubiquitous since Abdul Alhazred, The Mad-Arab-All-Praise-To-His-Name, published the Black Book, The Necronomicon, over 1,000 years ago.
After many years of counseling supplicant thralls in crisis, Alhazred writes,
“And Lo, here is Wisdom: wisely did Ibn Schacabao say, that what may please Koth-Shugoth, would make Th’rygh feel naught but ashes. For it is of old rumour that just one Thing makes all Gods swell monstrous with ecstasy. Nay, for the knowledge be strange and terrific, that there exists not one Eldritch Love Language, but five.”
But what are these five different languages and what do they look like in practice? Here’s what you need to know.
1. Incantations of Affirmation
According to the Mad Arab, deities with this Eldritch Love Language need to hear their bound worshipers verbalize their eternal devotion, with an “I love you.” of sorts.
For instance, the 13 iridescent globes that comprise Yog-Sothoth like to hear the words “Y’AI’NG’NGAH, H’EE-L’GEB SCHMOOPIE UAAAH.”
Even better than incantations is coming up with special nicknames you only use when the time is right (when the moon is black with blood, All Hallows Eve in the year of Malbon, or your anniversary!). Fun little nicknames like:
- The Key & The Gate
- My Lil’ Lurker at The Threshold of Doom
- SweetiePie of a Thousand Forms
Have fun with it!
2. Quality Time
This language, says Obed Marsh, High Priest of the Esoteric Order of Dagon and Licensed Family Therapist, is all about giving your Elder God your undivided attention. That means no TV, no chores, no cell phone — just you and your Old One, in an opium-induced frenzy of focused worship, sharing plans for the Eternal Night of the Damned, attending an “orgy for two” or creating a homunculus together. Take time every day to do this. Else be thrown in the Black Pit.
3. Dark Gift Giving
The Ancient One who abides by this language thrives on the thoughtfulness and effort behind the Dark Gift. In short, evil actions speak louder than evil words.
For instance, no one said you had to wait for the Eve of Azathoth to perform a Rite of Blood, make it a surprise! Your Dark Gift just may be rewarded with a “manifestation of appreciation” from your deity. Anything from a small token like a familiar in the form of a rat, to the “biggies” like immortality, albinism, or soul-eating insanity. Gifts are a two-way street!
4. Acts of Malign Service
This language includes anything you do to ease the burden of an Elder Gods responsibility for tearing the universe asunder, like vacuuming the temple, shopping for spell ingredients or raising a shambling army of the undead to serve in his name. Stumped as to what a Great Destroyer actually needs? Well, Worthless Worm, figure it out because the last thing a Lord of Pain has on its mind is your insignificant needs.
5. Physical Touch
Yes, we’re talking about, the Big Guy, Cthulu! Deities, who speak this love language thrive on any type of physical touch: they would trade any pit of endless despair and suffering for the simple things like tentacle-holding, the embrace of a leathery wing and pats on the Octopoid Beak.
According to Necromancer Keziah Mason, paying attention to the “tenticle” (ahem) is the most direct way to communicate love. “As long as it’s done in an atmosphere which is frankly a little rapey and oppressive, physical touch can be the most effective of the love languages. It calms, heals, and reassures (Cthulu, that is. Not you),” she explains.
The bottom line is that whether you worship The Magnum Innominandom or good ol’ Shoggoth, not every deity demands love in the same way, so being aware of the different love languages can help you understand your relationship better and further advance you to the glorious day when the Gods …“shal lay Their Hand upon all that oppose Them & Destroy, the noxious shal arise from ye middle of ye World where all is Chaos & Destruction where They hath bubbl’d & blasphem’d at Ye centre which is of All Things!”
Sounds like a party!