One thing you guys should know about me: I’m a great texter. Phenomenal. I mean, some people call me the Michael Jordan of texting. It doesn’t matter who those people are because they are me. Lucky for you, I’m letting you in some of my life-changing texting tips.

Response Time

My response time is immediate. Sometimes I respond to texts before I even get them. The precedent I have set with my friends is if you don’t hear back from me within seconds, you should be concerned about my well-being. Seriously, if you guys are reading this and this happens, alert the authorities.

Side Texts vs. Group Texts

I’m a big fan of group texts. I also like having a side text, with everyone in the group text. I like to have a personal, one-on-one relationship with everyone on the side. And if I find out that there is a separate side text that doesn’t belong me, I will shut it down. I will say that this is not allowed. Then I will message each one of my side text friends and say, “Don’t worry about it, we’re keeping this one.”

I also like having SIDE group texts. This is where it gets tricky. Say there are five people in a group text. I’ll have a side group text with four of them, three of them, and two of them, in all permutations. They are like my little Russian nesting dolls of text threads. Yes, this is a very dangerous game. One slip-up could mean the end of a lifelong friendship. I’m not saying that I talk about the other people in the group text in that particular side text, because that’s between me and that particular side text.

Test Out Material

I like to test out material in the side text, and if it works, I’ll use it in the group text. Side texts are like open mics; group texts, those are the big show. Then when I use the same material in both the side text and the group text, it’s a fun little inside joke between me and whoever saw it in the side text. Then our bond grows deeper and we become best friends.

Use Multiple Devices

The more devices you can text from simultaneously, the better. I’m currently texting on my laptop, iPhone, iPad, Apple Watch, and an iPod while writing these tips. You might think that it’s impossible to text from an iPod, but when there’s a will, there’s a way.

Break Up Via Text

The next relationship I am in, I will break-up with her via text. I’m convinced that it is the better way to break-up with someone, because I am too scared to do it in person. But it truly is better. My last girlfriend broke up with me face-to-face… NO THANKS. Getting broken up with sucks. You know what’s worse? Getting broken up with while the other person sees you cry hysterically. I could have done without the break-up, but I also could have done without the public breakdown in Central Park.

I think the logic of break-ups is backwards. People are like, “Have some dignity to do it in person.” Disagree. Send me a text, and let me preserve some dignity. I don’t care how long we’ve been together. I don’t care if we’re engaged. Just send me a text that says, “It’s over” and then block my number, so that you’ll never see my pathetic response.

Never “Like” a Text Message

I’m not a fan of when someone “likes” my text message with a “thumbs up.” You have three options: you either “heart” a text message, “haha” a text message, or leave it alone. If you “like” my text message, I’m just going to assume our friendship is over. As far as I’m concerned, that passive-aggressive thumbs up might as well be a middle finger.

Respect All Text Messages

I don’t care if the text is blue, green, purple, iMessage, SMS, MMS, or a message you’ve never heard of—treat all text messages how you would like your text message to be treated. I treat all text messages like blue iMessages, because those are clearly the best.

I told you guys I am the GOAT. Now you know why. I’m just upset I’ll never know what it’s like to text with myself.

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