John Chris: I am in my tenth year of overseeing the murder division at Clemsaw Capital. As a proud alum of Wolly College, I would be happy to help current students in any way I can!

Daryl Blue: Heyo! It’s me, Daryl—your career advisor right here at Wolly College! You know those job boards you can find all over the internet nowadays? The ones with too many options and none that are actually what you’re looking for? Wolly College pays me $134,000 per year to tell you to go look at those. Go have a look at those.

Susan Downey: I’m here to talk to any current Wolly students (go Wolly!) who think they shouldn’t have to compromise between starting a career and staying in touch with their creative side. During my 25-year career as an advertising executive for McDowell, Whiteman, and Koch (you might know my work from my rat poison dot com campaign on TV!), I learned that you don’t have to say goodbye to your artistic side to convince people to buy rat poison.

Chris “Spanky” Chusterson: When I was in college, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Five years out, and I feel as dispirited and inferior as ever. Currently, I’m working at my dad’s hot tub warehouse while reapplying each month to the job in the murder division at Clemsaw Capital. When I go back to Wolly for reunions people point and laugh.

Jennifer Honeypaw: After nineteen years as chief counsel for McFuckface Family Toy Burning Factory, I decided to take a sharp pivot and bring my strategic skills to the public sector when I was appointed to coordinate the response to the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. After that incredibly informative and growthful experience, I have devoted my life to giving back to the college that I, my brothers, my father, his father, his father, and Edmund McFuckface are happy to call our alma mater. Wolly College. Recently, I spearheaded the Wolly Board of Trustees’ policy of reappropriating the entire financial aid budget to fund a new squash court. I still have fond, fond memories of enjoying cold beers with President Bush during our frequent “study breaks” during the stressful hurricane response. Mission Accomplished!

Devon Honeypaw: I’m a starving artist. I have nothing. I’m here for the students who feel like the corporate world will never make them feel whole. Is it easy to make a living as a painter in New York City? No. But as my amazing mom Jennifer says about her days working in the public sector, with the right mindset, you can do anything <3

Chip MacMcAdleman: If you gave me one word to describe myself, it would be free thinker. Huh?? Are you mad I violated your precious “one-word” rule? Schedule an appointment on my calendar to listen to me speak incoherently about a five-year career where I was paid a preposterous amount of money to do something nobody really understands.

Ted Needler: Ted Needler served for over fifty-five years as a senior partner at Housefire LLP. He does not use a computer, and is under the impression that law school costs eight hundred dollars.

Carmen Drearerson: Since I was a little girl, I wanted to dedicate myself to public service. Making people’s lives better. But never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be heading up the financial arm of the Republican National Committee! I hate immigrants.

Jamie Grassley: I’m here for the people who want to be their own boss, who want to be putting their own idea into practice: the people who don’t want to find their way into an industry, but to turn one on its head. After successfully starting one company and guiding two others to moderate success, I decided my next bold step would be to come back to where it all began and offer vague advice about creativity and pluckiness to younger entrepreneurs whose business ideas all center on technologies I don’t understand. Fun fact: I was the real-life inspiration for Kendall Roy!

Buck Hiccup Jr.: Tell me if this sounds familiar—you’re sitting at home, and all of a sudden you get a phone call. The guy on the other end of the line says your car insurance has run out, or he’s got all of your credit card information, or whatever. Well guess what: I’m the guy who came up with those. Class action lawsuits bankrupted my company, but I’m here to tell you: the worst that can happen to you personally from one of those things is you have to find another job. I am also proud to say that thanks to my lovely classmate Carmen Drearerson I was appointed to coordinate the early rollout of the pandemic response.

Tamara Glythe: I know starting a career can be quite stressful, so I’m here to tell you that you can have it both ways. In college, I was never the type to keep all my assignments organized in a “planner” or turn in everything “on time,” but I still found a way to earn a stable income, maintain a healthy work-life balance, and even spend some time traveling abroad when I spent twelve years as the senior director of nuclear safety at the Chernobyl nuclear power plant from 1974 to 1986.

Ben Rickert: Graduating from a college as impressive as Wolly can be quite intimidating. Just consider our list of noted entrepreneurial alumni: the guy who started Blockbuster Video, the guy who invented asbestos tile, the guy who created NFTs, and me, the financial advisor from The Big Short who insisted everything was fine.