My name is Mr. Bob.  I would like to welcome you and your child as we begin another exciting year here at "St. Bob's International School of Profoundly Deep Thinking and Spiritual Uprightness."  Just in case you're wondering, my name has nothing to do with the name of the school, it's just a coincidence.  I don't even know who the hell St. Bob really is.  I think he is located in our vault… I mean basement… I mean… there is a picture of him in our basement… hahaha.

Sorry for that misunderstanding.  I would like to assure you that we don't have bodies or vaults in our cult… I mean school… ehh hem.  Anywho, I would like to extend every promise that your child is well on his or her way to a future of success by attending our lovely school. 


All-American elementary school with American flag
(Not pictured: St. Bob's International School of Profoundly Deep Thinking and Spiritual Uprightness)
St. Bob's International School of Profoundly Deep Thinking and Spiritual Uprightness aims to prepare every child to be versatile enough to survive the rapid changes of the world we live in.  With our ever-changing global economy and our advancing technology, we make it our mission to produce critical and creative thinkers who can provide strong leadership as humanity reaches its next stage of evolution and continues to advance in the current Information Age.  With our cutting-edge razors… I mean technology… we enable and empower our students to attain life-long defilement… I mean achievement. 


Our school provides all the facilities you would expect at a normal school: classrooms, a cafeteria,  exercise rooms, prison cells, a few taverns, and a morgue.Here at St. Bob's, we use a slightly unconventional method that we feel transcends the common practices of schools around the world.  Rest assured, we have a very lively staff of energetic individuals who are well trained to educate your child.  In order to ensure that our curriculum remains dynamic and that teaching practices continually evolve, we hire teachers without credentials… and then we fire them at the end of the school year.  (We don't tell them we're going to do this, of course, because we like them to have a feeling of security and comfort while they are working for us.)  After these teachers are executed…hahaha…I mean fired… out of a cannon… we bring in new teachers and begin the process all over again. 

Also, in order to ensure that our teachers are extremely qualified, we refuse to hire them out of teacher's college. We simply feel that college training doesn't adequately prepare a teacher to enlighten young minds.  We seek individuals with real life experience…so we hire people directly off the streets.

Here are a few examples of what I mean:

  1. Our History Department is composed of carefully selected individuals (aged 65 and above) who we find in local taverns.  We do this because we believe that learning about the past should involve living examples and not simply the words of a textbook.  We also find that these old men are great at telling stories when given ample amounts of whiskey.
  2. Our Psychology Department is sure to offer constant surprises throughout the year as we take them directly from prisons and trauma wards.  Some have medication, some don't…but either way, students of psychology will be exposed to a nice variety of case studies.
  3. Our Genetics & Biology Department is headed by numerous cross-eyed, inbred individuals we found wandering the countryside and howling at the moon.  We usually open those classes by showing students the movie Deliverance.
  4. We have no math department because we feel that calculators will suffice. 


Our school provides all the facilities you would expect at a normal school: classrooms, a cafeteria, science labs, exercise rooms, prison cells, a few taverns, and a morgue.  But our most distinguished feature is the religious component of our school.  As part of our stimulating curriculum, we require students to attend church services every Sunday, Monday, and Friday afternoon.  Because we wish to acknowledge multiple religious affiliations, your son or daughter will have the choice of attending services at one of the following two churches:  

1. The "Saint of our Holy Church of Repeating Cycles of Temptation and Forgiveness…Followed by More Temptation."


2. The "Fallen Angel Church of Profoundly Naughty Activities."


Every philosophy and every mission, just like every building, needs a solid foundation—a cornerstone on which to build.  Any beautiful and magnificent structure would not be complete without a cornerstone.  If someone were to look at an astounding work of art that had no cornerstone, they would say, "Something is missing."  Here at St. Bob's International School of Profoundly Deep Thinking and Spiritual Uprightness, our cornerstone is our very Principal, Mr. Zodd.  (His first name is Todd, but we try not to mention this because it pisses him off and sends him into a psychotic rage.) 

Mr. Zodd is not only the functioning arm of the school, he is our spiritual leader and a Master of all knowledge.

And now, a word of greeting from Mr. Zodd….

Mr. Zodd the Prinicpal


 …Thank you, Mr. Zodd.


Here at St. Bob's International School of Profoundly Deep Thinking and Spiritual Uprightness, we use a special method to ensure that we continue to bring in enough students (and money) to remain operational, and to ensure that your child will be able to complete a 4-year diploma without fear of our school shutting down.  Toward the middle and end of each school year, we take Mr. Zodd's Community College Thesis Paper (which he wrote under the influence) and blow it up into REALLY SUPER HUGE MAJOR BIG SIZE, and we cover the entire front of the school building with it. 

This way, people who are driving down the street will do seven things:

  1. READ Mr. Zodd's creative thesis statement and see how brilliantly it connects to all of his subtopics and key ideas.
  2. EMPATHASIZE with Mr. Zodd's view of the world and how his proposals will make the Universe a better place.
  3. APPLY Mr. Zodd's critical ideas to their own lives as they synthesize the key points of his major arguments.
  4. REALIZE that their son or daughter is attending a school whose principal is inferior to Mr. Zodd in every way.
  5. ENTER a state of euphoric connection to the spirit and vision of Mr. Zodd.
  6. NEGLECT all physical and monetary desires and give allegiance to Mr. Zodd.
  7. DECIDE that they will transfer their child out of his or her mediocre school….

    ….and then crash into the vehicle in front of them.

We call this the "REAR END Method" (Read, Empathize, Apply, Realize, Enter, Neglect, Decide).

(By the way, we sincerely hope that this method doesn't actually result in any fatal accidents, but that it gives the driver an adequate opportunity to explore the school and its facilities before continuing on with his or her daily tasks.)

With our success guaranteed, I welcome you to our school with my sincerest sympathy… I mean affection.    

Mr. Bob

P.S. We have schools located internationally in the North Pole, Bangladesh, and Montana.

Cult house over the lake in North Pole