Stardate: Day 1 of 30
After a full year quarantining aboard the Starship Enterprise to avoid a galaxy-wide pandemic, my body has issued a priority one distress call, signaling almost total disaster. This is likely due to my near-constant consumption of boxed macaroni and cheese in a futile attempt to hold my anxiety at bay. I have no recourse but to immediately begin a transformative exercise regimen.

To that end, I have managed to secure access to an ancient video broadcast called a “YouTube Channel” that seems to fit my needs: “Yoga With Adriene 30-Day Yoga Challenge.” I am excited to begin this quest to reset my mind and body, even as our starship continues to drift listlessly in orbit and we anxiously await a return to our normal life. Back then, all we had to worry about was encountering hostile alien life in the farthest reaches of deep space. It was a simpler time.

Stardate: Day 7
With few other tasks to occupy my time other than the day-to-day maintenance of the Enterprise, I have so far found it easy to dedicate the requisite time to Adrienne’s 30-day challenge and have learned much from her yogic teachings. After one full week, my mind feels more at ease, my body looser—particularly my hips and legs, as Adrienne, in her infinite wisdom, tends to focus on these areas in her practice. Adrienne is a revelation, and I am a new man.

Stardate: Day 8
I hate this woman.

Stardate: Day 16
After my profound setback over a week ago, I am pleased to report that I have found the resolve to continue with my daily yoga regimen. On that dark day, I managed to restore my willpower by using twice as much cheese powder in that afternoon’s macaroni and cheese. Since then, I have found a second wind, and Adrienne’s rigorous practices are now once again a source of daily delight.

Stardate: Day 19
Today in shavasana, I broke down crying when I suddenly realized that Adrienne has been dead for hundreds of years. Who was this woman? Did she laugh? Did she love? Do her descendants walk these earths? I finally found solace in the knowledge that even if Adrienne’s light has long been extinguished, she continues to spread that light to so many others (11.8 trillion, according to her YouTube views).

Stardate: Day 22
Progress update: I can now touch my toes, as long as I am sitting down or bending my knees deeply. This milestone is a marked improvement in my kinesthetic ability, and it bodes well for my quest to disarm my body’s distress call.

Stardate: Day 24
If I have to do one more pigeon pose, I’m going to shoot something with my phaser—and it will not be set to stun.

Stardate: Day 25
Though I am disappointed at myself for yesterday’s lapse in mental and physical fortitude, Adrienne teaches us that our yogic practice meets us where we are and that we must be forgiving with ourselves, and so I have worked to let go of my failure by visualizing it floating gently away into the icy vacuum of space that surrounds our starship day and night.

Stardate: Day 30
I have reached the end of my journey with Adrienne, and the feeling is bittersweet. On the one hand, my body’s distress signal has been quieted and I can now sit cross-legged for nearly three minutes without pulling my groin. On the other, I remain where I began: adrift in the night sky, desperate to find ways to fill my time and feel productive. News of an imminent vaccine has me aching to set foot on terrestrial ground again, to encounter other life forms in person and not just by hologram. Adrienne would tell me to observe and acknowledge these desires, and then to let them pass, but I fear I lack the strength to release them entirely. In fact, merely pondering these real-world concerns again rapidly fills me with a great deal of anxiety, and so I resolve to acknowledge my sudden desire for comfort by inhaling a piping-hot bowl of macaroni and cheese.

After all, Adrienne would want me to honor my intentions.

SHARE

MORE LIKE THIS