February 4, 2019

Yesterday, Gronk win Super Bowl. Should be one of happiest moments of Gronk life when little Jared Goff cry like sad baby, but Gronk feel nothing.

Gronk realize that Gronk no know who Gronk truly is on the inside. During next few months, Gronk focus on self-care and self-discovery to get to bottom of question: Who is Gronk?

February 10, 2019

Today, Gronk Blue Apron box arrive. Gronk wonder if putting Gronk soul on plate through joy of cooking will help Gronk feel whole.

Gronk make seafood paella with fragrant herbs and spices. Delicate flavor of saffron surprise and delight Gronk palate. Gronk also like little shrimps. Maybe Gronk born to be chef.

February 11, 2019

Next Blue Apron box arrive and not go good. Gronk overcook sea bass. Taste like deflated football. Gronk only eat side of couscous and feeling of emptiness start to creep back in. Then Gronk have to order Papa John’s, official pizza of the NFL, which really bum Gronk out. Gronk not chef. Gronk still enigma.

February 15, 2019

Brady call Gronk and recommend yoga class to center Gronk mind. Gronk see local goat yoga session—meditate with goats around Gronk. Good for Gronk spirituality and getting back to nature.

February 17, 2019

Gronk asked to leave goat yoga after attempting to spike goat into ground. Gronk totally relaxed for twenty seconds and just wanted to do end zone celebration, but hairy yoga lady got mad.

February 20, 2019

Gronk binge-watch Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. Gronk especially touched by episode where widow has to throw away husband’s shirts. Make Gronk sad and aware of transient nature of love and life. Gronk decide to sort through Gronk shit.

February 21, 2019

Nothing spark joy for Gronk, not even Super Bowl ring. Gronk donate all possessions to Salvation Army except for underwear and Ninja blender.

February 23, 2019

Today Gronk realize that Gronk actually do need clothes even if they do not spark joy. Gronk go to mall and visit Hot Topic. Sad screaming music about emptiness playing in store resonate with Gronk own feeling of emptiness. Gronk leave store with Sailor Moon hoodie and Spotify recommendations from cashier with eyebrow ring. Gronk feel inspired to go to Piercing Pagoda and get own eyebrow ring, then call Brady for eye makeup tips. Gronk write poem about black rain and bleeding roses. Gronk enjoy day as “emo kid.”

February 25, 2019

Belichick call after seeing Gronk Instagram story of Gronk new emo look. Belichick tell Gronk to grow up, then hiss at Gronk and start reciting dark magical spells. Gronk pretend Gronk have bad connection and hang up.

But maybe Belichick right. Maybe Gronk do need to grow up instead of listening to band called Taking Back Sunday and smashing Bud Light cans into head dilly dilly.

What would grown up Gronk do? Will Gronk ever find meaning of life?

Gronk need to go to strip club.

March 1, 2019

Today Gronk discover what Gronk thought was strip club called JoAnn. But JoAnn turn out to be a place even more wonderful than strip club.

Gronk wander up and down aisles of this magical place. Gronk see shiny buttons and smell cinnamon candle. Then Gronk see group of old ladies sitting at back of store making pretty things with sparkly beads. For only $22, Gronk take class to make beaded keychain for Julian Edelman birthday.

Gronk swap stories with old ladies. Turns out Gladys recently had same back surgery as Gronk! After class was over, Gronk thought Pearl was trying to tackle Gronk, but just turned out that she wanted to hug Gronk. Gronk cry tears of relief.

March 12, 2019

Gronk go to JoAnn every day except for day Gronk spend at Urgent Care getting infected eyebrow ring removed. Gronk favorite section is fabrics. Gronk go down row of fabric bolts and touch velvet, taffeta, and silk. JoAnn even have New England Patriots fleece. Gladys says she will make Gronk a blanket. Fabric also measured in yards! Gronk have record yards! Gronk never felt happier.

March 14, 2019

Today, supervisor at JoAnn ask Gronk if he want job application to be fabric cutter. Gronk would spend all day measuring and cutting fabric with big scissors. Gronk think job might be harder than being tight end, but Gronk also want to have confidence in Gronk own abilities to pursue dreams and take risks. Gronk will fill out job application tonight.

March 18, 2019

Gronk got job! Sure, job pay less than Gronk current job. Gronk make $10.5 million dollars last season and JoAnn pay $8.75 per hour. But Gronk new supervisor Brenda said Gronk never have to be in Tide Pod commercial ever again, plus Gronk get 20% off anything in store.

March 24, 2019

Today Gronk officially retire from NFL, then go put on green apron and go to work at Gronk new dream job. Gronk make raffia coasters for everyone on Patriots team as going away present. Belichick immediately lit his on fire, but Gronk no care. Gronk is living Gronk best life.