Dear Mr. and Mrs. Alex’s Parents,

It has been a pleasure having Alex in my quarantine this year. I can tell he is destined for big things once the coronavirus quarter comes to a close. I found your child to be adaptable, flexible, and well-sanitized through the semesters. However, I do have some concerns regarding his teamwork, introversion, and discipline as you might see reflected in the report card below. Please take careful consideration as to which unrealistic future you will plan for Alex moving in 2021.

2020 END OF YEAR REPORT

Subject
Grade
Comments
Breadmaking
B-
Alex showed promise with their bread early on in the semester, but after developing a sourdough, Alex began to show signs of body image insecurity. I’ve attached my therapist to the body of this email.
Embroidery
C
Alex showed creativity and initiative by choosing to embark on this task himself but quit immediately upon realizing that it is difficult. There are threads all around the classroom.
Creative Writing
F
Alex wrote 2890 words about Tina Fey being a “bossy pants” but officials have declared this an act of plagiarism. The school board is investigating this claim now.
Zoom Hangouts
A+
Alex was incredible in this class. He showed up every week on time, ready to complain, a beer in hand. Truly an exemplary student.
Coding
D
I and many others worried about this pursuit as Alex once called a computer his “beep boop box” but he managed to not only purchase the book but unwrap the plastic. A very impressive pass.
Video Editing
B+
His viral video of a TikTok dance to the original Scooby-Doo theme song, though cringey, showed excellent use of Adobe Premiere.

SEMESTER 2 CHARACTER NOTES

Sociability
Alex was easily accessible by Zoom, text, or FaceTime, but failed to meet requirements for acknowledging his roommates.
Discipline
Despite enrolling in nearly every course offered, Alex failed to finish his studies in a single one. Not even “Daily Showering” had perfect attendance.
Reading
Alex does not own a novel aside from Bossypants by Tina Fey.
Problem Solving
Upon entering the kitchen, Alex asked if he could also wash the dishes while he showered. In many ways, this was an improvement.
Public Speaking
Alex memorized the “Chinese Chicken” rap verse from “One Week” by Barenaked Ladies and has expressed an excitement to debut his performance at a karaoke bar “one day.”

Our parent-teacher conferences have been scheduled for any time we’re all awake. Please do not hesitate to come to speak to me before then if you have any questions, I will be working for below minimum wage at the Kum & Go on 48th Street.

Best,
Mrs. Johnson

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