7:30 AM — Orientation

Who’s ready for an info-packed day of Slightly Curved fun! I know I am! Caroline Metz (that’s me!), your hostess with the most-est, will kick things off with a few words about this year’s convention, and then we’ll do introductions! There will be nine of us this year (almost double digits!), so we’ll also do some icebreaker exercises. This is mainly so we can get to know Karen’s E-Harmony match, Todd, who is our new attendee this year. Karen said he’s a Flat Earther, but don’t hold that against him! After all, who among us wasn’t suckered in by Flat Earth before we saw the light?

9:30 AM — Presentation: Why the Spherical Earth Hypothesis is Wrong

Franklin Metz, the resident genius of Slightly Curved Earth, will expose one of the greatest lies ever told. You know the one. “science” geeks want you to believe the ground you’re standing on is a ball—that’s right, a ball—even though your common sense says that’s a bunch of dookie. Franklin will use real-world demonstrations, like his now-famous “Star Wars figures on a basketball,” to show what would happen if you tried to put human beings on a giant, spinning sphere in space. Spoiler alert: they don’t stay on.

10:15 AM — Bathroom Break (Gary, don’t forget to take your insulin!)

10:30 AM — Presentation: Why the Flat Earth Hypothesis is Wrong

Franklin is back to take on another incorrect theory, this time the alluring “Flat Earth” hypothesis. This one holds a lot more water than the one “science” would have you believe, but it’s still FLAT WRONG. (I got that from Franklin’s presentation last year. He’s funny, right?) Not only will Franklin debunk the theory of flat earth, he’ll get into the psychology of a Flat Earther mind, explaining how a belief in Flat Earth can evolve into true understanding of Slightly Curved Earth. Flat Earthers are nothing but caterpillars waiting to metamorphosize into Slightly Curved butterflies, as Franklin likes to say. It’s what happened to all of us! (Except you, Todd, at least not yet!)

12:00 PM — Lunch

1:00 PM — Presentation: Evidence for a Slightly Curved Earth

Get ready for—you guessed it! Franklin Metz! He’ll come in for the hat trick, delivering his third mind-blowing presentation of the day. This time he’ll lay out the hard facts “science” doesn’t want you to hear. He’ll show you crystal clear, HD photographs, taken with his iPhone from the economy section of a Delta 747, showing indisputable proof of curvature along the horizon.

1:15 PM — Presentation: Debunking Common Criticisms of the Law of Slightly Curved Earth

We are so lucky, right? Franklin Metz will bat cleanup to himself and deliver yet a fourth presentation, and it promises to be the best so far! This time he’ll take on the negative Nellies out there who can’t understand the obvious truth of Slightly Curved Earth. He’ll address common criticisms like “Isn’t this basically the same as flat Earth?” and “How do any of the laws of physics make sense in the world you’re suggesting?”

Franklin will start by explaining the drastic differences between the Flat Earth and Slightly Curved Earth models. Using another of his now famous demonstrations, he’ll take a flat sheet of paper and bend it slightly, showing the revolutionary curve of the true, almost-flat earth. He will then unsuccessfully try to form the paper into a perfect sphere, completely debunking the spherical earth hypothesis.

Franklin will even clarify common misconceptions about basic physics. Think Fig Newton or Steven Einstein understood gravity? Wait until you hear Franklin Metz. He’ll explain how the slight curvature of our almost-flat earth can create ultra-radiant ether pulses, tricking gullible “science” nerds into erroneous conclusions. He’ll even show us pictures from the international space station showing a supposedly spherical “planet” Earth, then break down how ultra-radiant ether pulse distortion can fool the over-educated eye.

3:15 PM — Bathroom/Medication Break

3:30 PM — Presentation: The Harrowing Story of Slightly Curved Earth

Your very own host, Caroline Metz (me again!), will finish off our day with the unlikely story of how Slightly Curved Earth came to be. She’ll take you back to where it all began: the Great Franklin Metz (my hubby!) sitting in his easy chair in the Metz family trailer, watching a video about the “moon landing” conspiracy on his IPad. The neighbor’s wi-fi router had been acting up that day, so Franklin very nearly gave up to take a nap. Can you imagine if he had?

Luckily for all of us, when a related video popped up entitled “The Earth is Flat,” Franklin tapped, embarking on an intellectual odyssey that would eventually lead him to the truth. Just two years later he boarded a plane for the first time in his life—using almost all of that month’s worker’s comp money—headed for a Flat Earther convention in Branford. Five miles up he observed a slight, but undeniable curvature on the horizon. Flat Earth was wrong, and Slightly Curved Earth was born! The rest, as they say, is history!

5:00 PM — Afterparty (Everyone please remain in the bowling alley for apps and games)