What is this? This is notice of a proposed Settlement in a class action lawsuit for Metesky et al. v. The International House of Pancakes, Inc., Case No. 20PQR22889.

What is this lawsuit about? The Settlement would resolve a lawsuit brought on behalf of a class of individuals where the Plaintiffs claimed that, between March 14, 2016 and August 4, 2017, International House of Pancakes Restaurants, Inc. (hereinafter referred to as “IHOP”) owned, operated, or branded restaurants located in the United States, which did advertise, market, enter into interstate commerce and serve breakfast items including, but not limited to, buttermilk pancakes topped with glazed strawberries, blueberry compote or peach topping, plus two strips of hickory-smoked bacon, 2 pork sausage links, 2 eggs any style and crispy hash browns, collectively known as the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Breakfast. If you ate all that, we’re astonished you are alive to read this notice. Your arteries must be as hard as bricks. Small wonder there is an obesity epidemic in this country.

Investigative efforts have determined that the aforementioned Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Breakfasts did not meet minimal standards of Freshness nor Fruitiness, as defined under applicable federal regulations. For that matter, said breakfasts were not very Rooty either, whatever that means. However, we have determined that they were substantially Tooty, as you certainly discovered not long after stuffing yourself with all that. IHOP denies any wrongdoing. The Court has not ruled on the merits of Plaintiffs’ claims or the defenses of IHOP.

Why am I getting this notice? We paid some teenagers barely enough to buy a bag of schwag weed to go through zillions of old IHOP receipts. We found your name on at least one of them, and it indicated that you ordered the aforementioned breakfast during the applicable period. In fact, we know lots more about you, including the names of the videos you watch on Pornhub. You got this thing for panties and threesomes, don’t you, you wannabe stepdad? We know it’s creepy but you should shut up because we are about to give you something for free, and all you did is gorge yourself on gut bombs drenched in imitation blueberry syrup. Also, don’t worry about the teenagers, because they at least get to put on their college applications that they interned at a fancy pants law firm.

What does the Settlement provide? IHOP agreed to pay $7,250,000 into a Settlement Fund, which will pay for the cost of notice and administration of the Settlement, payments to Settlement Class Members, and attorneys’ fees and expenses, as approved by the Court. Each Settlement Class Member may receive a payment, subject to pro rata distribution of the settlement, which in plain English means that you will get a check in about two years from now in the amount of $2.98 (or less), which you may apply toward the copayment on your cardiology bills and diabetes medications. Plus, you will receive a coupon entitling you to 50 percent off any entree at IHOP, should you purchase an entree of equal or greater value, unless you want the disgusting liver and onions, in which case you can eat all you want for free. In addition, the settlement will pay Class Counsel’s fees in an amount not to exceed $4,500,000, plus Class Counsel’s reasonable expenses, as the preparation of this lawsuit required Class Counsel to perform mandatory and necessary duties at the Pussycat Lounge and at other locations in and around Las Vegas, Nevada. The booze was flowin’ and the hookers was smokin’, and that’s all we’re gonna say.

Do I have to be included in the Settlement? If you don’t want monetary compensation from this Settlement and you want to keep the right to pursue these claims against IHOP on your own, then you must exclude yourself from the Settlement. So go ahead, hire your own lawyer and sue IHOP on your own, if you want to. But we all know you’re not going to do a goddamn thing.

How do I get more information about the Settlement? This notice contains limited information about the Settlement. For more information, you may also obtain additional information by calling 1-888-555-9876 or by writing the IHOP Claims Administrator, P.O. Box 350, Boston, MA 02134. We’ll be sure to zoom back a response to you once we feel confident you’ve forgotten the whole thing, or that you dropped dead from heart disease given your obviously out of control eating habits, whichever occurs sooner… er, later. Yes, later. In the meantime, we’re heading back to Vegas.