Hello, frequent brunch guest. I'll be your server this afternoon. Thank you for foregoing your local bottomless boozy brunch order at a joint named after a European city, with more seltzer and Tropicana orange juice than Brut in the mimosas, to try our world-famous, 62-ingredient Bloody Mary.

You better hold onto your pants, because you are about to go on a journey.

Do you think this is going to be your typical tomato juice, lime, vodka, and Tabasco concoction? Oh, ye of little faith. We use fucking Sriracha here!

You thought we were going to stop there? Gotcha. We’ve also shitloaded that thing with, like, 17 green olives from the most overpriced gourmet grocery store we could find. We pitted them ourselves. By hand. And they’re stuffed. With entire bulbs of garlic. Not roasted garlic. Raw garlic. Your breath is going to smell RIPE for approximately 12 years after one sniff of this thing.

Do you know what they're also stuffed with? Three pounds of Rogue River Blue cheese. That stinky lactose mold goes for $40 per pound. So whip out those Lactaid pills, because you are about to be in for a wild ride.

What's that? You're still not impressed?

That celery head—yes, I said head, not rib—you see? We took a sickle to a field in Monterey, and we just ransacked that thing. Then we went to another field in Santa Barbara and did the same thing. Then we hopped over to Ventura and PROCESS REPEATED. Basically, we own all the celery in California now.

Did you think I was done? Oh, hell no.

Get this: Our spice mixture includes 55 distinct spices imported from 79 different countries across all seven continents. What, the math doesn’t make sense? Who are you, Albert Einstein? I don't care about your 800 on your Math SAT. Nobody likes an overachiever.

And fine. Just you wait.

We’re also throwing in six freshly-cracked crab legs from six different crabs from six different states. No, I don't know which states. Why did we do that? To blow your mind. Was it worth it? No. What kind of crabs do I mean? Wouldn't you like to know? (Here's a hint, though: one of the locations was an all-inclusive cruise ship docked in Florida.)

Okay. I can see you're not buying what I'm selling. Tough crowd.

Next, we're about to roast an entire cow with butter, rosemary, and onion, and just throw that motherfucker on top of your glass. Does the glass shatter? Yes. Do we fish out the pieces? No. Are you going to LOVE IT?! Meh. Are you going to sue us for personal injury? Quite possibly.

You look bored. Okay. Here’s the deal.

The cow was freshly slaughtered. We shot Daisy this fucking morning. Yes, I have a five-year-old daughter. No, I don’t care about the flower crown of dandelions and violets she made for Daisy yesterday.

Why are you heading for the door? You sit your ass back down and get ready.

While you’re waiting for your drink, we’re going to fly to London, break into Westminster Abbey, and unearth Mary Tudor’s coffin. We’re going to steal a motherfucking queen’s bones. Then, we’re going to fly back. You better still be here. Because we committed grave robbery for you. All so we can serve your Bloody Mary with the essence of the OG Bloody Mary.

By the way, we also have a lovely eggs benedict with a side of home fries.

So, you drink that bitch right up and know that my daughter’s therapy for me killing Daisy is dependent on your tips.


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