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Grandpa's lost all attention span after those long days and nights toiling to find pieces of prime content to make into memes and listicles.
My father, Robert Earl Poopinmyunderwear, brought prosperity to this town. Poopinmyunderwear Diapers are the top selling pants guards for feces-conscious adults.
When Mom came home from the swap meet with a trio of parrots, I was stoked. But it didn't take long for me to realize one thing: parrots are assholes.
If I'm prescribed a sleep apnea mask, maybe I'll be able to get through my day without 7 cups of coffee. 7 cups is a normal amount, right?
When your dad turned 48, he felt a helpless desperation welling up in his chest. Now, this giant marble sculpture of Dolph Lundgren's abs fill the void.
To test how realistic the mysterious Clue is, I killed six different people, each with a different weapon, in various rooms of an old gilded age mansion I rented.
Over time, you tend to become more and brave with the vibrating pleasure bullet. Sticking him in places where you feel pretty safe he'll pop right back out.
His eyes were wild, and thin wisps of his silver hair shuddered in the wind. “Fuck you!” he shouted while thrusting a Crypt Keeper finger in my face.
Gary, I've called you into HR today not because you defecated onto Mr. Peters’ desk, but because you clearly didn’t even make an attempt to wash your hands afterward.
So you were still cheating on me, you were drinking again, and you killed me! Did I leave anything out, you jerk? Now look where you've gotten us!
With so many email sign-offs to choose from, none of which bear any relation to the way you talk in real life, even to ladybirds and Mormons, which should you opt for?
There’s no one formula for love. That being said, we’re looking for naturally or surgically beautiful women in the IQ range of 70-89 with oblique abdominals.