What are you looking for in a contestant?

There's no one formula for love. That being said, we're looking for naturally or surgically beautiful women in the IQ range of 70-89 with oblique abdominals that can crack a pistachio (please illustrate this in your casting tape).

The Bachelor and woman wear electrodes in bed

Am I required to participate in extreme dates?

Applicants must be willing to participate in all physical activities including, but not limited to: base jumping, rappelling, helicopters, jousting, krav maga, tickle fights, zerbert wars, motorboating (both kinds), proximity wingsuit flying, heli-skiing, and bounty hunting.

What happens when the cameras are off?

Downtime between filming is your personal time to use as you choose. In Season 10, the women got together and organized something called "Bachelor Fight Club." Please keep in mind there is no scratching or marking of the face of any kind, and no weapons with the exception of: deer horn knives, knuckle dusters, Roman scissors and Indian tiger claws.

What if I don't have an emotional sob story to disclose during the first cocktail party?

Although traumatic pasts aren't required, they're highly encouraged. We recommend carefully examining your past and/or old Nicholas sparks novels to develop your "traumatic pitch." 

In the event of a surprise, early morning wake-up, how much time am I allowed to apply my full face of makeup and change into my "surprise early morning wakeup" pajama outfit?

We allow each contestant one hour of prep time before surprise filming and four hours before regular filming.

How much time do we actually spend getting to know The Bachelor?

Similar to professional football, the actual "in play" date time before the final rose proposal is around 11 minutes. The remaining time is filled with previews, commercials, flashbacks, flash forwards, dream sequences, and out of context sobbing shots.

What if I make it to the final rose and have a come-to-Jesus I have no idea who this bozo is?

Here at the bachelor we like to say "love is choice," a choice you made when signing the legally binding contract obligating you to say yes to a proposal.

How do you keep the roses from wilting?

We spray them with a combination of Botox and embalming fluid. We recommend keeping all roses away from your eyes, mouth and out of reach of babies. In the event you eat a rose, contact your medical professional immediately.

Why doesn't anyone ever eat on dates?

For aesthetic purposes we only serve contestants prop food made from genuine handcrafted polyvinyl chloride. Sometimes when contestants get hungry enough, they'll take small bites which pass through their digestive track unmacerated and we reattach once expelled on the other side.

If I don't receive a rose, do I have to go home immediately?

Our Mercedes driver Ernie will escort you to the car where you will record your final teary interview. He will then drive you a maximum of five miles in your direction of choice. In the event you're in a foreign country, some contestants choose to leave supplies like Botox and water in the jungle or carry small hunting knives under their evening gowns. If night falls and you haven't yet secured shelter we recommend building a fire and urinating in a circle around your campsite to establish your territorial claim.

What's Chris Harrison really like?

Surprisingly, many people are unaware Chris Harrison is actually a cyborg built in 2001 by Google X whose ability to mirror empathy sparked the screenplay for 2015 film Ex Machina.  

He's programmed to smile a lot and only answer in question form, which is great on camera, but can get frustrating if you're trying to take his burrito order. 

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.