Daily funny articles by seasoned comedy writers and fresh voices. Best of Year | Editors' Picks | People's Favorites | Satire | Guides | Observations | Stories
That mewing and hawing you’re hearing on the upper deck isn’t the 4 PM slop feeding. It’s a protest!
It wasn’t my intention to shout “HOLY HELL MOTHER OF GOD LEAVE ME BE YOU WICKED BEAST!” as you went over our Planned vs. Actual.
The Four Wings tournament is in no way, shape, or form, “to the death.” I really don’t know how people keep getting that impression.
DO invest in companies exploring alternative energy, such as General Electric (GE), Chevron (CVX), and my cousin’s cannabis farm, WEEDENERGY.
“You have the right to remain sexy, no matter how indeterminately older you are than your circle of close friends.” It’s just a number, people!
The Altos (Ask Jeeves Deluxe): If Riverdale is Twin Peaks for teens, then The Altos is The Sopranos for people who barely know what television is.
We will make our own at-home exercises—ones that won’t make you want to lay on your floor begging God or Satan for a moment of relief.
Banners will fly, in all major cities, bearing my image and a few of my most famous words. There are so many.
My figure has been reduced to that of a motel pillow and my once royal blue color has deteriorated to a baby blue at best.
KING LEAR How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child. Away, away! GONERIL I literally cannot leave.
As everyone knows, 4/20/69 is the funniest possible date. After all, 420 is the weed thing and 69 is the sex thing. Imagine them... Combined!
You could try to explain bronze die-cut milling and how it creates a unique texture for holding sauce better, but there’s no need. Susan left you.