Hey there —

Just wanted to follow up on our Zoom chat from earlier and, again, apologize for the ghost that barged into my office during your Q1 Review. He’s a pesky little demon with a complete disregard for privacy.

Looking back, I also wish I had handled the mid-meeting disturbance with a bit more grace. It wasn’t my intention to shout “HOLY HELL MOTHER OF GOD LEAVE ME BE YOU WICKED BEAST!” as you went over our Planned vs. Actual. The spirit’s presence is truly horrifying though, and I’m afraid it’s gotten the better of me.

From what I gather, he has the frame of a small child in a creepy white nightgown and the head of a full-grown wildebeest. He has a freakish ability to pass through locked doors and a cursed inability to notice when I’m fed up with his shit.

Would you mind sending over a copy of the presentation? I’d like to take a second look, as the first time around I was on my knees praying to the Dark Caretakers of the Forgotten Swine to rid me of my unwanted guest. Still haven’t heard back from them though, as I’m afraid they’re “non-essential.”

Please let me know if you have any tips for improving your Work-Afterlife balance when working from a remote cabin. For me, it’s been a literal nightmare.

Ever since I relocated to the woods to quarantine, this hellish ghost has been tormenting me non-stop. I can’t even go to the bathroom without it appearing from behind the shower curtain, arms crossed, with an unmistakable look of “I’M BORED.”

To keep it away, I’ve tried everything from leaving the TV on, to burning sage sticks while curled up in a ball crying “BE GONE EVIL SPIRIT! WHAT SAY YOU!?” The ghastly thing seems to feed off my fear though! It grows stronger with each untimely apparition so I’m totally open to any suggestions for expelling it once and for all. Or at least until school starts back up.

The whole point of moving to this isolated shack was to avoid human contact. Unfortunately, I didn’t account for the unliving. So far, I’ve done a good job of social distancing, but I can’t say the same for my spiritual distancing. Just this morning I woke up to find the half-child, half-beast lying beside me (well within six feet), staring at me with its beady, haunted eyes. Before I could kick it out, it vanished downstairs. Probably to raid my diminishing supply of Fruity Pebbles.

I can only assume reverse centaur creatures cannot carry the virus. But you never know…. Whenever it presents itself, I find myself experiencing similar symptoms; namely, a shortness of breath as it sucks the life from my lungs into its hollow soul. I’m hoping it’s all just a coincidence, but it might serve as a good excuse to abandon this compromised cabin for a safer, ghost-free spot. Maybe one of those adults-only resorts.

I’d have to check with my wife though as she’s been handling the spirit’s presence much better than me. I worry she’ll want to stay and see this thing through.

In which case—sorry in advance for any delayed response as I focus my efforts on defeating this demon and banishing it back to the ninth circle of hell. Where it belongs.

Don’t tell his mom though.