Dear Captain,

First, let me just say that my termination reflects a real insensitivity toward the seminal late '90s, early 00’s HBO—it’s not TV—classic, which I won’t condescend to you by naming. And to do it via Post-It note was a little on the nose, no?

But apart from that, it’s honestly starting to feel like you don’t even like the show, and with all due respect, I’m not sure I’m comfortable being a part of a police department that doesn’t see through to implementing it as a core pillar of its mission. That said, Chief, I think we can work something out whereby I get my job back and we start you off on at least a biweekly episode regiment until you’re more up to speed. There’s hope for you yet.

Now, let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we? In reviewing the transcript, I think you’ll find that everything was actually totally above board, and not so dissimilar from what would one would typically refer to as—shudder—Miranda rights:

“You have the right to remain sexy, no matter how indeterminately older you are than your immediate circle of close friends.”

It’s just a number, people! Surely we’re on the same page here. How old are you, by the way? Doesn’t matter. Let’s move on.

“Anything that you wear can and will be nouveau-slutty gold.”

Her swagger remains criminally unsung. Either get on board or get out of our way.

“You have the right to an attorney, so long as they're not looking for anything too serious.”

Really, my feeling is that communication is just so important, and if you don’t both want the same things, maybe he doesn’t deserve the attorney-client privilege of being yours, you know? That’s just best practice. Protect and serve your heart.

“If you cannot afford anything sequined, something fierce will be provided for you.”

I do keep some emergency looks in the evidence locker, which I will have to insist on retrieving if this break proves more permanent. Only one of them is noticeably bloodstained, but that’s nothing the boa can’t fix. Finally:

“Do you understand the rights I have just read to you? With these rights in mind, do you want to be best friends?”

Honestly, I don't feel like this one necessitates an explanation. Anyone would have leapt at the opportunity.

But Sir, if I may, I’ve been doing some reading, and I think I have a genuine case here for deviating from our typical standards out of deference to public safety. From where I’m standing, the streets are not a safer place so long as we're contributing to Global Miranda Supply. Have you ever met anyone who took well to being identified as the Miranda of the group? Of any group? Would you like it if I called you the Miranda of our department (I would never, by the way, you’re a bleeding-heart Charlotte)?

So let me just say that, if you’d be so kind as to recommend my reinstatement, I really think I should be welcomed back on board. It’s not about the money, my humongous apartment is apparently rent-controlled. But I just think I bring a lot to the table from an office culture standpoint, and let’s face it, if this whole snafu is any indication, you need me and more.

That said, I would welcome the idea of this process going in fits and starts for the will they, won’t they of it all. If you’re open to it, of course. Just think it would really play, and I already took the liberty of legally changing my surname, so, whenever you’re all set, I’ve got your paperwork ready to go too. Anyways, talk soon!

Affectionately Yours,
Officer Bradshaw