King Lear, Act 1, Scene 4

KING LEAR
How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.
Away, away!

GONERIL
I literally cannot leave.


Romeo and Juliet, Act 2, Scene 2

ROMEO
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the yeast, and Juliet is the sun.

JULIET
Did you just say “yeast”?

ROMEO
Forgive me, beauteous maid!
I fear yeast is greatly on mine own mind
Being most difficult to procure in these dark days.
Ah, see how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!

JULIET
Maintain thy distance.
And return when thou art laden with yeast,
for our bread is flat and unyielding.

[Exit Romeo]


Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 2

HAMLET
Madam, how like you this stew I prepared?

QUEEN
The prince doth protein too much, methinks.
Cadge our meats for a future time
when our need for it waxes greater.


Julius Caesar, Act 2, Scene 2

JULIUS CAESAR
Cowards die many times before their deaths,
but those who bethink ev’ry little dry cough spells doom
art exponentially more vexing.


Much Ado About Nothing, Act 3, Scene 2

HERO
Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps.

URSULA
And some the little bastard just coughs on.


The Merchant of Venice, Act 3, Scene 1

SHYLOCK
If you prick us, do we not bleed?
If you poison us, do we not die?
And if our Instacart orders tarry
do we not suffer pangs of hunger?


Hamlet, Act 4, Scene 5

OPHELIA
We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
To wit, we may spread pox even when symptom-free.
So replaceth thy mask, Claudius.
And order the apothecaries
to stop selling hydroxychloroquine.


Macbeth, Act 2, Scene 1

MACBETH
Is this a dagger which I see before me,
the handle toward my hand?
Then I shall seize it to spread chunky butter of the peanut
on mine own foodstuffs in a most gen’rous fashion.


Timon of Athens, Act 4, Scene 2

FLAVIUS
We have seen better days.

SERVANT
No shit.


Romeo and Juliet, Act 2, Scene 2

JULIET
What’s in a name? Coronavirus, COVID-19,
severe acute respiratory syndrome, SARS-CoV-2.
By any name, ’tis transmitt’d as easily.

ROMEO
Actually, thou hast conflat’d the disease and virus.

JULIET
Thou dare mansplain to me? And still no yeast?
Away, knave!

[Exit Romeo, anon]

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