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My kids? They’re doing all right. My boy’s a pediatric surgeon. My daughter does something with Alzheimer’s, I'm not sure.
Please try the ahi tuna croquette puffs—eat it off a toothpick next to that pool, just full of wet wet water.
Uncle Andy contained multitudes. At his worst, he was a truly hateful, combative, and cruel man. At his best, however, he was also really annoying.
Your vibe was soooo post-op lobotomy patient. Like, instead of being human, you were just impersonating one, you know?
Get that stethoscope out of your ears so you can hear me loud and clear when I tell you to Back The Hell Off.
Despite the comments his neighbor Kevin left on Thomas’ Facebook posts, Thomas will be remembered by so many as a wonderful artist.
Hello and velcome to Chili's. I'm so sorry for the vait, ve've been slammed tonight. My eternal thanks for your patience.
A description of discontinued candy bars: You know what’s better than not getting candy? Hearing about candy you’ll never get to enjoy ever.
This idea is foolproof as long as a group of sleuthing teenagers and their crime-solving dog don’t get in my way.
He must love dogs more than anything if he’s walking so many dogs. But why doesn’t he have a normal, regular job?
Why is nobody celebrating this big win? It’s life! Even if that life is a disease, it is still life.
It is no secret that our relationship is entirely transactional, but still, our story was romantic. I convinced myself that this was love.