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What happened to us?! It feels like only yesterday I was making sure you dimwits knew when to laugh during all sorts of zany shenanigans.
You ever pick up a felled tree in the woods? Of course you haven’t! That sucker probably weighs 500 pounds! That’s the stuff I’m made of, baby.
While all of you were walking on pavement like cavemen, I was defying gravity up in space.
Doritos, we’re nothing but consistent. Doritos are always crunchy. We never give conflicting guidance on how to enjoy Doritos.
We used to be a roller disco, and decided to pay tribute to our history by keeping the floors just as lacquered as they were in 1977.
How could two islands of near-identical climate, geology, and elevation give rise to two such distinct, yet delicious creatures? Science rocks.
Making January fly by depends upon how much, or how little, you acknowledge in your mind that it's actually January.
Widely considered the apex of the Spider-Man films, the first sequel is also significant because its release coincided with the passing of my second kidney stone.
Honestly, if it wasn’t good in the "Bourne" movies, who thought shaky cam would be good to use over my third-grade musical?
I will complain about my shin splints roughly four times a day. I know my chiropractor will already be a zombie by that point (R.I.P. Dr. Gordon).
So magical are they, that if you purchase them now, by tomorrow they’ll be worth thousands, perhaps even millions of dollars!
The bar gets lower every year, and you still haven't managed to clear it. But this one. This is the year. You can feel it.