I don’t know if this is a charity auction to get some kids shoes or backpacks or pencil cases, but I’m here to let you all know that I was recently in space. That’s right, me. The guy that everyone probably said, “Oh, he will never find himself going to space,” actually did just that. So I hope you all know that I will be mentioning it in every single exchange you ever have with me, regardless of the day, or the time, or the funeral.

Someone has just mentioned to me that we are actually here to discuss the harsh reality of global warming, however, we instead will be touching on the reality of doing a freaking trip to space. Let me paint you a picture: Me on a rocketship. In space. Amid everything that space has to offer. While all of you were walking on pavement like cavemen, I was defying gravity up in space.

I was even given space food even though my fellow astronauts said it was simply a souvenir to take home. So here you have it, here’s my unopened packet of space food which I have now framed as a reminder that I went to space and none of you did.

Before you all focus on our ice caps melting and polar bears not being able to swim or float, first focus on the fact that you are actually in the presence of someone who will now be mentioned in the same breath as Neil Armstrong, Tom Hanks in that movie, Sigourney Weaver, and the other astronauts who I won’t mention cause you non-space people just won’t understand.

Increased droughts? How about increased respect for me, that guy who left earth. And I don’t want to hear, “Oh, you do realize that you didn't actually enter orbit, but instead just touched on the edge of space because you traveled only 60 miles above earth.” Easy there, Neil deGrasse Tyson, this isn’t an astronomy class at your local community college. This is a course on life and I’m your professor. First lesson? I went to space.

Frequent severe storms? The only thing severe is everyone’s lack of appreciation for someone who has gone where only a few people and some zoo animals have gone. I do not need to be reminded that I had to pay $100K for my eventual winning raffle ticket in a contest that was sponsored by everyone’s favorite website: Booze, Boobs, and More Booze. You need to be reminded that when I was in space becoming a legend, I actually saw stars. Probably Orion's belt.

Rising oceans? Sure, that might be a thing. But what’s really a thing? All of the space stories I will tell the grandchildren. Or at least someone’s grandchildren. Can anyone here who hasn’t gone to space be able to do that? I didn’t think so. The other astronauts told me they were impressed by how I was able to go in and out of consciousness numerous times during the trip, and how I didn’t let my constant screaming and projectile vomiting get in the way of becoming a cultural icon.

So go on, talk about your precious earth that you need to protect. I’ll be over here talking about the great lengths I have gone to protect my space legacy.


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