Lucy, you got some ‘splainin' to do!

I'm just kidding. Hey, you guys! It's me, the sitcom laugh track. How you doin'? No, how you doin'? Gah, I'll stop!

But seriously: I'm not doing so well.

What happened to us?! It feels like only yesterday I was making sure you dimwits knew when to laugh during all sorts of zany shenanigans. And I couldn't help but notice, ahem, that I've been completely stripped from your so-called “modern” TV sound waves.

I mean, I'm not really mad! No, no, no. I guess I just miss you, is all. And I've got a sneaking suspicion that you might miss me, too (hahaha awwww).

See what I did there? I told you how to feel. You're welcome.

Did you happen to notice the specificity of that moment? In case you've forgotten, I have full range. I'll let you know when to mix your laugh with an “aww” or when to full-belly-guffaw at the situation. I've got tracks for small giggles, shocked cackles, and that one where some jerk can see what's about to happen and starts cracking up early. He'll be like “ha!” halfway through the joke.

All to say: I'm not one note. I'm a laugh-out-loud riot, and I refuse to believe I'm the only one who wants me back in your ear canals.

Like, do you really feel confident in deciding if something's funny on your own? I'm not sure you can tell the difference between a normal “hi” and a hilarious “hi.” I've seen you watch shows with friends, and these days you're always glancing over to see if they're also laughing. It's embarrassing. With me around, you never have to look like an idiot who spends half an episode trying to figure out what's actually funny.

And what's with these new comedies, anyway? When did everyone get so pretentious? I miss the good ol' days when we made it through the bad times in twenty-two hysterical minutes. Now, there's all this confusing subtext and continuous storylines where you're expected to remember what happened in a prior episode. It's exhausting!

And yeah, I know, there are recaps, or whatever. But they're not funny either! It's more like: “last week, our protagonist had a breakdown.” Hardy. Har. Har.

Hey, speaking of the past, remember when side characters were just that - characters on the side? They didn't have backstories or real human emotions that muddied up a storyline. They were only there to assist the plot and - -

Woah, woah woah. Wait a minute. Am I… A side character? Well, that is not what I was expecting when I woke up this morning (short chuckle).

See? I broke the tension so you didn't have to. Again, you're welcome.

Listen, I'll spare you the dramedies where the most you'll release is that weird nose breath thing (a sorry excuse for a laugh, if you ask me). We'll watch shows where the punchline is a fall and to be clear: I don't mean an emotional fall. I'm talking about a literal tumble. Foot on the banana peel, and down they go. And in my world, nobody gets hurt. Everyone's fine. Kind of like me. I'm good. Totally, okay.

Just please put me back on TV so we can yuk it up at completely normal statements I've disguised as jokes. I promise you, we'll have an absolute blast.

Because we're a great team, you and I. So you might as well just admit it (ha!): you miss me.