Greetings valued guests! We are pleased you chose to stay at the only five-star hotel in Philadelphia that features a bidet in every bathroom, a waterfall in every common room, and a shower in every walk-in closet. We used to be a roller disco, and decided to pay tribute to our history by keeping the floors just as lacquered as they were in 1977. Our beyond slippery floors have taken out everyone from famous celebrities like Pamela Anderson and Richard Lewis, to those who couldn’t make it as famous celebrities and have joined the touring cast of the Peanuts musical. So if you read our Yelp reviews and you’re wondering if we really took out two Snoopies, we did!

We like to think of our floors as something beautiful and intriguing, not dangerous. Consider this: you’re having an affair with your favorite Hollywood star. Their partner comes tapping at the door of the giant common room that leads into the boudoir. Rather than scramble to put on your pants and hide like a ponce, simply kiss your lover, stand up, raise one foot off the floor, and kick off to slide your way to freedom, genitals flapping patriotically in the wind as you reach high speeds on our triple-waxed bamboo floors.

If you’re worried, “won’t I hit a wall?” You will! Not just any wall, but one that incorporates actual materials from our regionally famous decommissioned insane asylum. Huzzah, Philadelphia!

Now, lest you panic that these walls are soundproof (which they are), and might make it easier for “accidental deaths” to occur, rest assured that the floors ensure no one escapes, especially anyone with blood all over their hands and suit! A killer could try and escape the building, but the metal elevator doors, extra metal staircases, and extremely metal lobby stairs ensure that the “fall” part of “slip and fall” will be most painful, allowing police plenty of time to arrest their man. So, there might be killers among you, but thanks to our patent floor technology, it’ll be at best an assassin, not a serial killer.

You may be wondering, “wait, if the floors are this slippery, and the stairs and elevators are this metallic, how can we move about safely?” You adorable dopes, this is simple: purchase a pair of our patented glue shoes to traverse the grounds of this hotel more safely. To rent a pair of our shoes, simply call our cobbler up to your room, allow them to measure your feet, and watch with disgust and disbelief as they assemble your glue shoes for a mere $1,200.

Before balking at the price, consider that you’re already staying at a five-star hotel to show off. Maybe you’re famous. Maybe you’re just pretentious, or went to grad school. Either way, if you’re throwing money you have (or don’t) around, what’s an extra g between a guest and hotel conglomerate? You’ll be helping a local maker! If you don’t know how to get your credit card to advance you that kind of money, we have a lovely brochure that explains how to do so.

The glue shoes are guaranteed to work until they abruptly don’t. Made from the finest Irish leather, they’re cobbled into gorgeous dress shoes, before having a thick coat of crazy glue applied to the bottom. You’ll have minutes, maybe even a whole hour of time before the glue dries up, and you need to be careful.

So welcome to La Fromage Glissant! If you need anything, one of the robots will be around to check on you every hour. If you slip and are stuck on the floor, please relax and enjoy the hilarious antics of Jon Snow or Tony Soprano on our complimentary HBO Max while you wait to be rescued from this former haven of jive and sparkling shirts.