Tomorrow your laptop will be migrated to our new corporate domain. This process typically takes less than 10 minutes. Once your laptop reboots, please use the following case-sensitive password to log in: MyNameIsToddAndImAFuckingIdiot
We will now address any questions you may have about the migration.
Q: What does this mean for me?
A: When you log in to your laptop tomorrow it will initiate the migration process. Once it is complete, your laptop will reboot and you will be able to log in again.
Q: Will my same password work?
A: No, Todd; we just told you it wouldn’t. You’ll have to use the password [MyNameIsToddAndImAFuckingIdiot] without the brackets (these things [ ]). After logging in, you will not have the option of changing your password because the toolbar and icons will be hidden and your desktop wallpaper will be replaced with a screenshot of your desktop to ensure you can’t actually click on anything. Your laptop will also reboot itself every 60 seconds regardless of activity.
Q: Why are you doing this to me?
A: The migration is part of a larger effort to streamline the login process and make it easier for IT to issue updates.
Q: No, I mean, why are you doing the other stuff?
A: Because you’ve been flagged as a corporate threat.
Q: What? Since when?
A: Since you opened an email attachment from an unknown sender that triggered a self-replicating virus and nearly compromised our entire corporate network.
Q: How can something like that even happen?
A: You heard all about it in last week’s company-wide cybersecurity information session.
Q: Are you sure I was in that meeting?
A: You and the other 300+ employees attended a mandatory information session on best practices for detecting and avoiding cyber attacks. Afterwards, you E-signed 5 separate documents asserting your total comprehension of the threats and their potential ramifications. Later that same day, you blindly opened an .EXE attachment from an unknown sender.
Q: Don’t you think I would remember doing something like that?
A: Wouldn’t count on it, Todd. You once called HR to complain that your PTO bank had suddenly and erroneously been depleted of 40 hours.
Q: Did they ever get to the bottom of that?
A: Yes, Todd. As HR told you on the phone, you had just returned from a weeklong vacation and somehow forgot you submitted those days as PTO on your time card.
Q: That sounds familiar, but how does HR know for sure that’s what really happened?
A: Because you’re a fucking idiot, Todd.
Q: Don’t you think that’s a bit harsh?
A: The truth hurts, Todd, and the truth is the cyber attackers demanded $400,000 in Bitcoin for the key to decrypt our infected files. Management paid the ransom because reconstructing our systems otherwise would have cost millions.
Q: Can’t the F.B.I. do anything about that?
A: No, Todd. Without a comprehensive worldwide enforcement strategy for cybercrime laws, it’s difficult to prosecute cybercriminals even if they’re caught. You didn’t listen to a word of the cyber threat information session, did you?
Q: Isn’t that obvious?
A: Thanks, Todd. You’ve now admitted to knowingly deceiving our corporate executives by E-signing documents you didn’t understand. Good luck with forced arbitration tomorrow!
Q: Wait—if they didn’t have to spend millions restructuring the servers or whatever, aren’t you saying I helped the company save money?
A: Todd, you’re a fucking idiot.