All right, you maggots! I want your eyes like a fake pair of boobs at my bachelor party: up front and on me. You are mine for the next 30 minutes, and I am the only thing between you and the shit, you got it? I SAID, “YOU GOT IT?” All right then…

What are you all holding in your right hand, soldiers? “Narwhal tusk”? WRONG, you invasive zebra mussels! You’re holding in your hands as sophisticated an anti-terrorist device as God in his worshipful workshop has ever devised, a weapon so pure, so spirally that it is the first and last line of defense among the better class of public market fishmongers.

ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT A MONGER IS, PRIVATE JOHANSSON? MONGER: A SUPPLIER OF A SPECIFIC COMMODITY, RENDERED FROM THE LATIN “MANGO” MEANING “DEALER” INTO THE GERMANIC AND SUBSEQUENTLY OLD ENGLISH “MANGIAN/MANGERE” — “TO TRAFFIC”? DO YOU THINK I’M AN IDIOT, JOHANSSON? ARE YOU BEGGING ME TO ASSIGN YOU TO TWO WEEKS’ HARD ETYMOLOGY?

I didn’t think so.

Soldiers: I want you to raise your narwhal tusk. Feel the heft. Feel the connection between your hands and its primeval aquatic origins. Who can tell me what purpose the narwhal tusk performs in nature?

Spearing fish? SPEARING FISH? Give me that narwhal tusk, Porter! Is it 5 to 10 feet long? Yes? Now look at this picture of a narwhal. Do you see 5- to 10-foot flippers on this gentle relative of the beluga whale? WELL, DO YOU, SOLDIER? No? THEN HOW DO YOU THINK A NARWHAL THAT HAS SPEARED A MACKEREL ON THE END OF ITS TUSK IS GOING TO UNSPEAR IT TO GET IT INTO ITS GULLET, PORTER? ASK SOMEONE IN ITS POD OF FIVE TO TEN AND SOMETIMES UP TO TWENTY IN THE SUMMER? YOU BAG OF REDUCED-FOR-QUICK-SALE HAM HOCKS! YOU AREN’T WORTHY OF THE SACRIFICE THESE NOBLE NARWHALS HAVE MADE IN THE NAME OF DEFENDING OUR GREAT LAND! PICTURE THEM OUT THERE — TUSKLESS, MOCKED BY THE OTHER NARWHALS! And you say “spearing fish”… GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, PORTER!

No, soldiers, the narwhal tusk is an innervated canine tooth serving as a sophisticated sensory organ to transmit seawater stimuli to the brain. But for you, soldiers, it is your go-to anti-terrorist device for poking and bashing.

GET THAT POINTY TIP AWAY FROM YOUR EYEBALL, ZAKOWSKI! DID I TELL YOU TO LOOK AT THE TIP OF THE NARWHAL TUSK? Never look down the barrel of a narwhal tusk! I had a private in training just like you who was staring at the tip of a narwhal tusk when a Maine coon cat wandered into the barrack. Private was highly allergic, and before you could say “gesundheit” that poor sap had poked the narwhal tip through his eyeball and into his brain. And today that private is a United States senator.

Scenario: You’re in a public market. Suddenly people are running. You hear screaming. An incident is occurring outside. An attack. Question: What animal trophy do you unmount from the wall?

Ohhhhh, I see we have a wise guy with us today. A real Margaret Cho. “Moose antlers,” he says. “Moose antlers.” Sure, funny guy, let’s see you try to wrestle 40 pounds of moose antlers off the wall and through a door like your Jim Carrey circa 1994. And what are you going to do when you get to your target? Entangle him in a display of aggressive male-to-male rivalry? Meanwhile, he’s had opportunity to trigger his vest and HAS INJURED AND/OR COATED DOZENS OF INNOCENT CIVILIANS WITH EXPLODING ARCTIC CHAR! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, SOLDIER! YOU’RE MORE WORTHLESS THAN A PENNY IN A NATION THAT HAS ELIMINATED PENNIES FROM ITS CURRENCY!

Now drop and give me twenty.

Narwhal tusk. Always go for the narwhal tusk. For weight-to-damage ratio, it can’t be beat.

All right, soldiers, let’s practice some manoeuvers. Carry your narwhal tusk in two hands, like so. A firm but relaxed grip. Balance your stance.

NOW RUN AROUND, RUN AROUND, RUN AROUND, RUN AROUND…!

Good work, soldiers! Fall in.

Now repeat after me:

“This is my narwhal tusk. There are many like it, but this one smells like brine.”

Respect your narwhal tusk, soldiers. I pray to God you never have to use it. But, by God, you will be ready.

Don’t get too comfortable, though; tomorrow we’re doing fire extinguishers.

Dismissed.


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