I would like to offer my deepest apologies to the staff of the Frightwood Haunted House. I didn’t think I would cause so much mayhem and bodily harm when I arrived at the attraction that night. And while I do 100% take responsibility for my actions, I also 100% believe this situation could have been avoided with a few common-sense precautions.

I know that when I paid the entry fee I was consenting to being scared. I also now understand that by entering the premise I was implicitly stating I would not beat the shit out of a high school student who was holding a fake chainsaw.

For what it’s worth, my friends never believed I could survive in a horror movie situation and my desire to prove them wrong did get the better of me. But is that my fault, or did management just never consider that possibility?

Perhaps there could be signs warning that a man wearing a butcher’s apron and a mask in the guise of a disfigured sheep is about to pop out and scream “I want to eat your toes.” That way no future actors will be roundhouse kicked in the chest by a man who was laughed at for not wanting to go on a camping trip because of “those Hills Have Eyes people.”

I would also like to offer to pay for the damages to the building itself from when I ripped a meat hook out of the ceiling and swung it around my head while screaming like a banshee. I will gladly cover the cost of the hole in the plaster and the glass window I broke when the chain flew through my sweaty palms.

Though, it could be possible to avoid this type of situation by making sure that future meat hooks can take the weight of a 183.4-pound man. In fact, I believe that small detail could bring a little more reality to your murder farm scenario, don’t you?

To the members of the scary clown room, I am sorry about the mace.

In my defense, I’ve never seen the movie adaptation of Stephen King’s It, but after my friends told me the synopsis I swore to myself I would fight to the death if I ever met a clown in real life.

I deeply apologize to the creepy twin girls who asked me to play with them forever. I am childless but guessing from the reaction I received, it’s not okay for adults to trip kids and tell them that their parents are glad they’re dead. I have offered to pay for the first three therapy sessions for one of the twins. I’m assuming that because twins are psychically linked you won’t both need the help.

However, if a haunted house didn’t want kids to be traumatized by an adult who has finally been given a chance to live out a “final girl” fantasy, maybe they shouldn’t violate federal labor laws by hiring children.

And finally to the wolfman whose arm I snapped when I tackled you through a wall, I was as shocked as you were that seeing you in the hallway turned me into a linebacker. I’d be happy to deliver you meals, clean your home and help care for your three chinchillas for the next month.

While I don’t want to blame the victim, I do think it should be taken into consideration that some patrons saw Van Helsing repeatedly at a young age due to a burgeoning crush on Hugh Jackman, which instilled a deep longing to one day topple over a cliff while shooting a werewolf in the face.

Again, I am truly sorry for the carnage that I caused. I have many more suggestions on safeguarding the attraction from future guests and look forward to delivering them in person. I hope that it won’t be awkward for all of us when I start my court-mandated community service hours at the Frightwood Haunted House next week.


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