Doc, do you greet every patient with that ear-piercing shriek of yours? Or did you only react that way because my child hissed at you? You should know that my child’s hiss is a perfect expression of his perfect self. I’m proud of his hiss. But yeah, maybe take a few steps back because he’s a venomous Gila monster and if you get too close, he’ll attack.

Look, I’m here for his two-month pediatric check-up and I don’t appreciate your judgment. When you leapt out of your chair after I unwrapped my son from his swaddle, you said, “Holy shit, what on Earth is that thing?” Well, you hurt me deeper than any wound my son has inflicted with his sharp claws.

This “thing” has a name, by the way. It’s Montgomery. And you’ve hurt Monty’s feelings with your insensitivity. See him cowering in the sand terrarium I keep in my diaper bag? Apologize, or you’ll send him into an early hibernation and give him an inferiority complex that will take years of therapy to treat.

His medical chart indicates that he’s in the twelfth percentile for weight. Well, I think your statistics are biased against Gila monsters. Monty’s gluten-free diet—which consists of insects, frogs, and stolen pet birds—is perfectly adequate. If it wasn’t, trust me, I’d know. No bird, or small child who looks like a bird, would be safe.

Come on, we’ve got places to be and people to bite. And no, I am not interested in learning about the whooping cough vaccine or any other vaccines for that matter. Monty has a perfectly fine immune system, thank you very much. He doesn’t have to worry about having a cold because he is cold-blooded. Alright?

I am so sick and tired of explaining things to ignorant people. Aren’t you doctors supposed to know these things already? I’m also tired of the looks other mothers give me when I bring him to daycare. Like them, I paid the exorbitant fees, but they don’t consider that when they leap onto tables screaming, “Get rid of that disgusting creature.” Could you imagine if I said that about their babies? Good thing my Monty is an excellent climber.

But, you already know that. Aw, he looks so cozy in your coat pocket. Wait, let me take a video, this is too cute.

By the way, he’s flicking his tail, I can tell he’s warming up to you. Either that or he’s mistaking you as a competitor for his future mate.

Monty deserves to be accepted and loved, even though he is scaly and slimy. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who realizes what a perfect child he is. Though maybe you realize it too, Doc, now that he’s snuggled up on your shoulder. Aw, he just kissed your cheek with his forked tongue. That’s my sweet little lovebug!

I want what’s best for my Mr. Monty-poo. That’s why I’d like your advice on how to soothe the dry scales on his tum-tum. While you’re at it, I’ll also take some anti-venom and information on the lethality of Gila monster venom.

Of course, you’re conveniently out of Gila monster venom pamphlets. Fine. I’ll find some info on Reddit. Seriously, I don’t even know why I bothered to come here. You’re not even listening to me. Didn’t they teach you in med school that it’s poor bedside manner to curl up in a fetal position on the floor during an appointment?

Monty, please remove your muscular jaws from the doctor’s neck. We’re leaving.

Since you’ve been such a good boy, we’re getting a special treat: McDonald’s. Mommy loves seeing you happily sink your teeth into everything and everyone in the ball pen.