Welcome to MasterCard’s New Automated Customer Service System!

Press 1 if you are calling to thank us for the excellent service we’ve been providing. You’re welcome!

Press 2 if you would like to pay more than your total balance in order to express your appreciation for everything we do for you. We value your gratitude!

Press 3 to request that your credit limit be raised to a dangerously high level. Internet poker and phone sex can be pesky pastimes, can’t they?

Press 4 if you have a “problem” or “concern” that is important to you, even though it’s unlikely to seem important to us.

You pressed 4. Why aren’t we surprised? You’ve spent decades whining about how tough your life is. You’re an only child, right?

Press 5 to apologize for pressing 4. Then press 1. We forgive you.

Press 6 if you can’t make your monthly payment because you were fired from your job or have a “serious illness.” Please note that pressing 6 notifies “some people we know” that you have pressed 6, and these folks aren’t Quakers.

Press 7 if you changed your mind after pressing 6. You now recognize that pressing 6 was a really bad idea. Unfortunately, you can’t undo what you’ve done. The people we know have already been contacted. Of course, you could try moving to another city, but that’s a temporary solution at best. The people we know are very good at what they do, and they will find you. Decisions have consequences. You need to face up to the consequences of yours. We recommend that you start keeping your dog in the basement at night, out of harm’s way. And consider sending the kids to your in-laws.

Press 8 if you believe that you have been charged for a purchase you didn’t make. Please be advised that we have concluded that you did make that purchase. Whatever you do, don’t press 6.

Press 9 if you think the amount charged for a purchase on your monthly statement exceeds the amount you actually charged to your card. Bear in mind that inflation can increase the cost of what you bought between the time you incurred the charge and when you actually pay your bill. That’s probably what happened. (Check the provisions of your cardholder agreement.)

Press 10 to talk to a Customer Service Representative. This is never going to happen, of course, but we all have dreams.

Press 11 if you actually reached a Customer Service Representative, but the individual only spoke Latin. Translators are available for a modest fee (charged to your card).

Press 12 to terminate your MasterCard account. Unfortunately, terminating your account is not possible. You’ve made a commitment, and for once in your life, you’re going to be held responsible for your actions. We’re MasterCard, not a girlfriend, boyfriend, or pet you can toss aside. Select another option.

Press 13 to report a stolen card. You are so fucked! We know who stole your card, and they have no intention of reimbursing you for their purchases. And there’s no way we’re paying Skeeter’s Vegan Emporium for seven cases of broccoli-flavored condoms.

Press 14 to redeem your Dividend Dollars. Oops, never mind. Did you know that your card had been stolen? Well, it was. And they claimed your Dividend Dollars. Sorry.

Press 15 if you want to make a last desperate attempt to reach a Customer Service Representative. Just kidding! Just kidding! They’re both busy.

Press 16 if you would like to visit our corporate headquarters carrying a flamethrower. We understand. Seriously, we do. However, a better choice might be to…..

…..press 16 to contact one of our phone sex workers. Naturally, you can charge the call. Go ahead. You’ve had a very rough day. You’ve earned this. Please specify English or Latin. You’ve put the dog in the basement, right? We suggest that you call soon. There isn’t much time.

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