There is no doubt that Louisiana has always been a substantial state. Yet when she stepped out this month there was a noticeable (and enviable!) difference in her newly slim figure. She credits this tremendous landmass loss to the effects of climate change, and we sat down with this amazing state—whose purchase 216 years ago put her on the map—to dig deeper.
Q: So, first things first, you look amazing.
Louisiana: Wow! Thank you. I’ve never felt better about my figure, honestly.
Q: Our readers are dying to know: What led to this transformation?
LA: I just got tired of having so much territory, y’know? I always felt self-conscious. People would look at Rhode Island, who is just so petite, and Wyoming which has the smallest population I’ve ever seen. I just felt so bloated in my southern region by comparison.
Q: What steps did you take to finally slim down?
LA: I essentially stuck to a low carbon monoxide, high carbon dioxide diet. It was definitely not always easy to be disciplined!
Q: (laughing) Tell me about it!
LA: Right? I was tempted multiple times to go hog on some vegetation and oxygen, but at the end of the day burning coal and sticking to dioxide is what made the real difference.
Q: Was burning coal your big secret?
LA: (laughing) Not my only secret, I would use natural gas monoxide emissions to stem cravings, with the occasional oil spill.
Q: Occasional! You’re being so modest. You had the Taylor Energy spill in 2004—which from what I understand you’re still benefiting from to this day—
LA: Stop! I’m blushing! (coughs extendedly)
Q: (laughing) and—and not to mention the Deepwater [Horizon Spill] which is—
LA: —The largest in history, yeah—
Q: I mean, what advice do you give states that are trying, like you, to lose a football field’s worth of landmass every 100 minutes?
LA: Part of it is getting used to abnormally harsh hurricanes, but it’s worth it to see those sea levels rise and swallow all that unwanted marshland. You just have to keep those energy industries churning! Have the discipline to ignore your craving for clean air. Even if you really need it in order to survive (laughing) which I do!
Q: How do you avoid those moments when you just CRAVE some climate change policies to stop slowly dying?
LA: (coughing up oil and daintily dabbing at it with a handkerchief) I had some amazing friends keeping in line: BP, a bunch of Republican leadership, you know, just a tight group of people making sure I stay as contaminated as possible. Sure, I feel weak, but it’s the cost of doing business.
Q: Well you look amazing, girl! Keep going!
LA: That’s so sweet! (briefly convulsing) Unfortunately, it’s a lifestyle change which I guess means I will eventually disappear… Maybe I should take a break—
Q: Nope! Any final words of advice for coastal states struggling to lose a little of that unnecessary beach poundage?
LA: (sputtering) Never give up! If I can do it, any state can do it. Just remember to be kind to yourself, but don’t be patient! Keep pushing. These changes can come SO fast—(choking)—I’m happy to say a lot of my coastal states were inspired to lose those last 5-50 miles. Everyone is different, but if you have hope and intake more pro-oil policies, you’ll look AMAZ—(intense gurgling, shuddering, and then an extended silence)