Please. Send help. Lin Manuel Miranda, the award-winning genius behind Hamilton, has my family and I bound and gagged in his townhouse. He said he is going to kill them all if I didn’t inspire you this morning by tweeting:

“Rise and shine, you’re the sun and together we can grow ^___^”

Did that work? Do you feel inspired? Please say so. My father is old and Lin Manuel Miranda has him tied to a chair with his feet in water. He has a car battery attached to his nipples. I can’t lose him.

Let me try again:

“I’m so proud of you. What’s that in your eye? Oh! It’s star dust ~( O<>O ~)”

He kidnapped them outside of a Sbarro’s. We’re not even from New York. We’re simple folk just visiting from Florida. Out of nowhere Lin beat us over the head and threw us into his private car. He says if I don’t make you feel loved he’s going to shoot my sister in the head. Point blank.

I believe him too. Oh god. How about this:

“G’morning!
I dreamt of you and still it wasn’t enough.
Let’s play outside.”

Please be inspired to seize the day and shine bright. Please. My mother has a heart condition. There’s a sack over her head and I know she won’t make it. Oh Lord. Even Johnny Sun is here and he says I need to spell things differently or, and I quote, “This whole room is red.” Let me take a whack at it:

“Hemlo boi
You r an anmgel
And I am one too”

Did that work? Oh no, oh no, oh God. Please, be inspired. Please!!

“G’morning, g’dnight
Just turn on the light
So I can see you shine
my lovely friend”

Did that work?

“Look at your smile,
Look at my smile too!”

What about this:

“Love is love is love
Fun is fun is fun
Wake up, stretch like a cat”

Oh god. He’s taking out a knife.

Please be inspired.

Please.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.