It's common knowledge that the worst band in history is the Beatles. Just to remind everyone why they are so despised, I've jotted down a number of examples of some of their worst offenses, both to me personally and to the world at large.
The Beatles Ruined Sex
When I first heard Abbey Road's climactic “Golden Slumber/Carry That Weight/The End,” I was completely transplanted. It builds and builds then provides the perfect release. It's better than sex. Now I only participate in the act when it's time to make a baby. And even then, the baby ends up being a disappointment when compared to the Beatles.
They Make Me Look Like The Bad Guy
Even at over seven minutes, I still can't get enough of “Hey Jude.” Paul McCartney's comforting ode to Julian Lennon during his parents' divorce was the ultimate display of empathy and kindness. But when my sister got divorced, I told my nephew it was his fault. Thanks for making me look like a crumby uncle, Sir Paul.
They Shattered My Dreams
The Beatles are the most best-selling group of all time, and they hold the record for number one albums and singles in the US. If I wrote my own music, I'd risk not being able to break any of those records; so I won't even try. Thanks, Beatles. I'll just go back to writing hateful things on the internet instead of becoming an international pop sensation and a force for good.
They Destroy Family Bonds
My kids like the Beatles. How am I supposed to criticize them for their garbage taste in music if they are also brought to tears by the incomparable beauty of “Happiness is a Warm Gun?” Their lives have been enriched by the Beatles and it makes me sick, sick, sick. I hope I never see my kids again.
They Fell Short
The Beatles' music is my only escape from a very, very sad existence. But played back to back, their catalogue spans just 13 hours of unparalleled, expertly engineered perfection. What am I supposed to do with the other 4,380 hours of daylight in a year? Thanks for nothing, stupid Beatles.
They Were Showoffs
Who writes songs so profound, emotionally evocative, and masterfully constructed that any attempt to cover them by any other artist is akin to poop on a Picasso? The Beatles, that's who. So pretentious!
They Probably Caused Global Warming
Remember when the Beatles arrived in New York for the first time? Many people don't know this, but they got there on an airplane. Sure, they went on to change the world and create the wonderful soundtrack to the last sixty years, but maybe they should have thought about their carbon footprint instead.
Pete Best Got a Raw Deal
Pete Best, the Beatles' original drummer, seems like a nice guy. But it's hard to imagine the Beatles' signature sound without Ringo's exceptional sense of time. That probably won't comfort Mr. Best as he eats another stale dumpster scone from behind Liverpool's iconic Cavern Club.
Yoko Ono will be forever intertwined with the Beatles saga. If she had been left to her own devices, it's likely her contribution to society and the arts would have been GREATER than that of the Beatles. We'll never know.
They Hogged The Limelight
On The Ed Sullivan Show, the Beatles changed popular music for the better in just five songs. But does anyone even remember who followed them? The magician Fred Kaps might have gone on to solve world hunger or cure cancer. Instead, he is only known in professional magic circles where he is widely considered to be one of the most influential magicians in history. Pretty embarrassing.
They Were Bad Influences
All you need is love? Uh, Beatles, how many people died because they thought they only needed love and no longer needed food and water? So irresponsible. Of course, what kind of life is worth living if it is not filled with the love of friends and family? They actually make a pretty profound point there. UGGH, THE BEATLES ARE SO ANNOYING!
They Ruined My Conclusion
It's pretty obvious that the Beatles are just terrible. I'll leave you with these words which I hope you find comforting: In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. That is a quote from the Beatles because, why would anyone even try to finish on anything better? DAMN BEATLES!