From: Kushner, Jared
Sent: Monday, December 15, 2017 10:31 AM
To: White House Staff
Subject: Missing Backpack

Hi all,

Has anyone come across a blue-and-yellow Pokémon backpack in the Oval Office our thereabouts? It features Pikachu, and has a red-white-and-blue lanyard hanging from the zipper.

Not only might this backpack contain documents related to the fake Russia investigation, but it also has sentimental value. Ivanka bought it for me for my birthday because Pikachu is my favorite. I made the lanyard myself at Camp David this summer.

Also, I don’t want the backpack to be found by Robby Mueller, who is really mean. He probably hates Pikachu just because Pikachu is so cute. Same reason he hates me. Out of sheer spite, Mueller might fill my backpack with drugs and try to launch it over the border wall and kill someone, thus framing me for murder. This he might do after he took the documents—which don’t even exist, and are not mine, but if they are I haven’t read them—out of the backpack and leaked them to a fake news outlet.

Clearly, it would be in the interest of the administration (and America) to avoid these things, which could throw a wrench into the works of the fine-tuned machine. Plus, I need the backpack for meetings; it has my fidget spinner in the side pocket and snacks in the top pocket.

Thank you in advance for any information regarding this sensitive matter.