It’s been a tough year for a lot of us, especially for those of us that are proud managers of Rainforest Cafe locations. It turns out that when a global pandemic sweeps the Earth and people fall on hard times, tropical-themed casual dining experiences do not qualify as a life-or-death expense.

While we politely disagree with that judgement, the light at the end of the tunnel is fast approaching as business starts to approach pre-pandemic levels. There is one problem: you.

Republican senators, business owners, and a diverse array of Americans making $300K+ a year have determined that enhanced unemployment benefits discourage workers from gracefully crawling back to jobs that may not pay as much. By staying on enhanced unemployment benefits, you are refusing the chance to earn nearly $8 an hour toiling under the mentorship of Cha Cha, our beloved red-eyed tree frog mascot.

Do you really need that extra $300? The Rainforest Cafe delivers a sense of adventure into your life that can only be accomplished with artificial waterfalls and staggering financial insecurity. Sure, some of your troubles can be fixed by money, but the majority will only be soothed away by spending 50 hours a week surrounded by ceramic parrots and delightful appetizers.

Don’t pass up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Think of all the times over this last year when you sat at the kitchen table with your head in hands, bills piling up. How you turned to your spouse and uttered, “I wish I could provide for my family by working somewhere that played realistic thunderstorm sound effects every 17 minutes.”

Many people are demanding that Rainforest Cafe offer higher wages or benefit plans in order to attract employees. And we like to remind them that we don’t have employees, we have safari guides. Unfortunately for our safari guides, these luxuries do not mesh with what we like to call the Rainforest Cafe Ethos.

The RCE states that our purpose on this Earth is to create an authentic experience of what it would be like to eat a chicken quesadilla in the middle of a dense rainforest. Like all grand visions that seek to transform society, that requires sacrifice.

Here at RC, we’re a family. We would die for anybody here on our staff. And if one of them were to get sick and be unable to afford their medical bills, it is indeed company policy to let them die. That’s just how it is in the rainforest, baby.

We cannot promise you health insurance, but we can guarantee you the lean muscle that comes with wiping vomit off a stool shaped like a giraffe day in and day out, for the rest of your life. Paid time off? I’m sorry, but to ensure family-friendly fun, we will require you to wear an ankle monitor that will go off every time you think about what a nice day it is outside.

If it were up to us, of course we would pay you more. But in comparison to Amazon or Walmart, we are a small-time employer. Do you really expect us to risk bankruptcy when we already spend hundreds of thousands of dollars a year repairing animatronic gorillas?

We understand that the extra $300 a week might give you the freedom to search elsewhere for more fulfilling career opportunities that pay a living wage. But that new job will not satisfy a void digging into your soul that can only be quenched by Rasta Pasta.

So what do you say? Will you do it for Cha Cha? Answer quickly, we have less than two minutes until the next thunderstorm.


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