I can’t believe I have to say this in 2020, but boys, we need to get the cooties vaccine. We’re not going to be stuck in Zoom classes forever, you know. We need to get back out there and face the cold hard playground of George Washington Elementary and be adults here, but I can’t do it without your help. Cooties isn’t as scary as the boogeyman who lives under our beds right now, but the best protection against it is getting a shot. So let’s band together like the professional basketball players and astronauts we want to be and save the world. Listen up, I got the game plan here.

Guys for real, I’m not even joking right now. Seriously, my older brother Davey who knows a lot about girls told me all about it at dinner last night. He told me that not only are vegetables actually poison, but that every single girl except our moms and sisters have cooties. So, a whopping 50% of our class has this gross disease! Davey said that girls can transmit the cooties disease every time you accidentally touch or punch them. So recess and gym are off-limits. For you nerdballs, even the reading carpet is a no-go, because it’s been confirmed that cooties is also spread via droplets as the result of Popcorn reading time. And you can forget about wet willies. Liam, stop crying, we’re in 4th grade now for God’s sake. I literally already told you there was a shot for it, so stop being a baby.

You might be asking yourselves, what happens if I even get cooties? You guys, it’s terrible. It friggin’ sucks. I don’t know because I don’t have it, don’t worry, but trust me, it’s bad. Like really bad. My brother told me that you’ll feel totally normal, and then you’ll wake up the next day and play with My Little Pony’s and stuff. It’s messed up, right? That can’t happen. But until the vaccine, how are we going to safely play tag, kickball, dodgeball, and all the other gym class games we’re going to take too seriously and have a meltdown if we lose? We can’t. Which means that I’m going to ask my mom to ask your mom to see if we can get them together.

Guys, I know none of us like the doctor. Their stethoscope is freezing and the doctor himself is as old as your dad. We know the worst part comes at the end of the appointment. You know, where a nurse comes in with a huge needle and you start to scream and cry like a little wimp. But that shot protects you from the flu or something even scarier called “man and gitis.” So you have to step up, lift up that sleeve, and get that needle in your arm like the man you are. Best part? You’ll get a Looney Tunes band-aid and a sucker, so it’s not all scary. Mikey, we know you’d do anything for a Tootsie pop so don’t act like this is a big chore or something. But guys, really just make your mom take you. Don’t make me bury any more friends. I’m still mourning my pet turtle Michaelangelo.

We all want life to turn back to normal, I get it. The second you get vaccinated, we can all get back to our old habits. I want to get back to teasing girls on the playground because I’m unsure if I’m disgusted or wildly intrigued by them. I’m clamoring to get back to that life. But the cootie crisis isn’t ever going to end if we don’t all get the cootie shot. We’re never going to like girls but in the meantime we’re gonna have to be around them and their Polly Pockets and stuff. My older brother said girls are still carriers of the virus until like 6th or 7th grade, and honestly, I can’t live in fear that long. So get the frickin’ shot guys. Guys!

Also, are we still on for playing Call of Duty tonight? We’re getting on after dinner, at 7:30.