I want you to try something: Turn off your brain. Just for a second.

You can’t can you? That’s because… it’s THINKING!

Thinking is a natural human process, as common as breathing. In fact science teaches us that our minds control our autonomic nervous system. We’re thinking even when we’re not thinking about it. In short, right now, no matter where you are on this Earth… YOU ARE THINKING.

We’re THINKERS! It’s what we do! We respond to stimuli. We’re stimulus responders! You should never feel ashamed for reacting to big, bright flashies or loud, weird bangs. Don’t get me wrong.

I just think… we think too much. And I bet you think so too.

So how do we OUTTHINK  OUTFOX these thoughts. Many have suggested the formation of a Thought Police.

You ever see an article online that makes you want to pull out your hair and yell BULLSHIT! to an empty room? Of course you have, you’re human.

WE ALL GET IT! Life is UNBEARABLE, and this internet cretin’s audacity to comment on a particular cultural trend, act, artist, or behavior is inexcusable.

But what you didn’t know, is that in that moment of judgment, you were thinking.

“Ahh, but he thought at me first!” you think, thinking that will save you. But regardless of who the original thinker is, thoughts are like viruses, they spread throughout our society, seemingly harmless until your Grandma dies from one.

So how do we OUTTHINK  OUTFOX these thoughts. Many have suggested the formation of a Thought Police. And the movement is gaining sway. It’s no surprise that most people want all other people to shut up. A recent poll found that a whopping 8% of the populace Grinch-smiled at the mere th– illumination of themselves wearing the dress blues of Chief Conceptualizer.

The criminalization of dum-dums with poop thoughts sounds like a genius idea. But thoughts are in the head of the beholder, and who’s to regulate which thoughts are good thoughts, and which are naughty no-nos.

Many Americans are also skeptical of the amount of counterthinking going into fighting the War on Thoughts. They are wary of the brutish mismanagement in other wars, such as the infamous War on Terror or War on Drugs. And unlike those easily solved issues, #ThoughtWar2017 is occurring on a global level in literally every living person’s mind, all the time, 24/7, even while sleeping, non-stop. So before we can even THINK of ThoughtStop, we have to undergo a careful… and process-heavy, self-evaluation to check our priv, and put our thoughts where they belong: nowhere.

So we ought not to get ahead of ourselves. Like it or not, ThoughtProgress isn’t free, and it cannot be bought. The Unthink Movement is more than just a school of thought. This fall, Harvard University founded the nation’s first department of “Existential Non-Existence” with major forays into Passive Non-Auto-Inclusion, Don’tcarity, and Cultural Insignificance. As the Dean of the College said, “We must undo the conditioning we have rubbed into our scalps from day one: ‘Thoughts are good. Thoughts will save me.'”

No amount of feet on the pavement can win the war fought here at home, in our dome, the thoughtplace itself: your head.

Since writing this article, Mike Faerber has retired himself from the thinking community. Harassed by occasional musings, he has relocated to an environment “more conducive to the long overdue pursuit of my true hobby: nothing.”