We’re still more than a year away from the upcoming presidential election, and already the ballot for the Democratic primary is filling up fast. With so many hats in the ring, and victory in 2020 at stake, we need to ensure we’re properly vetting certain candidates. Take Senator Kirsten Gillibrand for instance: is she likeable, tough, driven, soapy, and metallic enough? Or is she perhaps too glittering, muscular, serpentine, and tangy?

I understand that Gillibrand, like many of the potential nominees, has yet to reveal an official platform they’re running on, but we need to think pragmatically here, and frankly I feel the average voter could view the New York senator as either too genuine, hungry, or aromatic, or perhaps not flexible, oaken, or sweaty enough. I harbor serious doubts whether Gillibrand has the fortitude, charisma, hunkiness, and vertical leap necessary to win the electoral college, and that’s before we factor in her potential shortcomings in the dexterity, craveability, and stickiness departments.

And while we’re holding some candidates up to this necessary scrutiny, I must admit I have similar qualms with Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren. I think it’s more than fair to question if Harris has both the grip strength and the sogginess it takes to secure key swing states, especially if middle America feels she’s too flawless, ironic, and flavor-blasted. And though I have no doubts regarding Mrs. Warren’s viscosity and furriness, I can’t help but question her acrobatics, sense of smell, and melting point at higher altitudes.

Listen, I’m willing to overlook Gillibrand’s tireless defense of giant tobacco conglomerates, just as I’m more than happy to ignore Harris’ criminal justice track record and Klobuchar's cruel work environment. So long as I can determine whether or not these candidates have precisely the right amount of grit, chewiness, and elasticity, along with the correct number of bones, spoons, jet skis, and throw pillows.

Yes, we can all agree that in a perfect world, all of the candidates I’ve mentioned here would be perfectly sparky, cunning, beautiful, tough, inert, silly, impeccable, loud, quiet, soaked, bite-sized, uncular, bisected, hulking, delectable, egg-shaped, and suspicious, without being overly acidic, chalky, dramatic, loud, quiet, soupy, tubular, luminous, infinite, lachrymose, draconian, effervescent, and wet.

But this isn’t a perfect world, and that’s why I’ll be casting my vote for Cory Booker in 2020. He seems fine.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.