The future is here, and its name is the metaverse. It’s literally so cool. In virtual reality, anything is possible! Except not being depressed anymore. Still, though, it’s pretty awesome!

Right off the bat, your experience in the metaverse is super customizable, with thousands of options for your appearance. Ultimately, changing what you look like on the outside won’t change how you feel on the inside, but it’s still a ton of fun to adjust your avatar’s clothes and hairstyle.

From there, it’s off to the races. Maybe you’ve got to get some work done—the metaverse will totally revolutionize the way offices operate. Between fostering corporate culture for remote workers and offering exciting possibilities for real-time collaboration, the metaverse means your workday will never be the same, apart from the persistent nagging feeling that sure, it might pay the bills, but what are you really doing with your life? Unfortunately, that will always be there, no matter how cool it might be to present a PowerPoint that’s floating in midair.

After work, it’s time to socialize! In the metaverse, you can meet up with your friends in virtual hangouts. They still won’t really understand you, but you can play awesome games with them. Facing off in a quick round of ping-pong or golf is a blast, even if it won’t distract you from the fact that they only like the idea of you they have in their heads, a misconception based on the personality you’ve worked hard to perform your entire life, and if they ever actually saw past that facade they’d probably abandon you in a second. You’re worthless, just like the dollar will be once the world inevitably transitions to cryptocurrency.

Also, interacting in the metaverse means you don’t have to make actual physical eye contact with anyone, which is a helpful bonus.

Or, for something even cooler, check out a live performance in the metaverse. From epic concerts to hilarious stand-up comedy sets, you’re bound to find a great show that will send you spiraling into a rabbit hole of regret as you realize that you never chased your own dreams—that you talked yourself out of trying the things you thought would make you happy before ever even giving them a real shot. It’s sure to be an unforgettable night, no matter how hard you might try.

But it’s not just big things. The metaverse will be able to totally transform even the mundane aspects of your life (except for the depression-related ones). Imagine: instead of having to drag yourself all the way to the supermarket to get groceries, you can walk down virtual aisles grabbing things off virtual shelves from the comfort of your own home. Then that food shows up at your door! Incredible. Then that food spends three weeks rotting in your fridge while you try and fail to muster the willpower to cook, ultimately concluding that you probably don’t deserve nourishment to begin with.

Sure, some features of the metaverse may not seem cool just yet. But remember, this is just the tip of the iceberg. What’s even more exciting than what’s available now is all the great things that the metaverse will make possible in the future, although no, none of them will ever be able to fix the problems with who and how you fundamentally are.

Think about what this means, though: incredible innovation is just around the corner! The world is always changing, and you’ll never be able to keep up. Everything you hold dear will one day be replaced. See that face in the mirror? That’s not your dad. That’s you. That’s what you look like now. You’re old. And you’re only getting older. Soon death will come. And it’s probably for the best, because what have you done with yourself? What have you ever actually done?

To help yourself calm down, you can look at some virtual art at a metaverse NFT gallery. I can't come up with a joke for this paragraph because I don't know anything about NFTs and I refuse to learn. They seem 1) stupid and 2) bad. I guess it would probably be something like “Looking at art is a great way to open yourself up to new emotional experiences. It cannot, however, create a whole new emotional reality.” Yeah, okay, sure.

With every new development, it becomes clearer and clearer that the metaverse is here to stay, and so is the fragility of your mental state. Major breakthroughs are on the horizon—technological breakthroughs, to be clear, not personal ones—and the future possibilities for everything except your constant state of complete numbness are truly limitless. Wow!


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