Since 1919, Curtis Pumpkin Patch has been Central Illinois’ top destination for festive corn mazes and delicious Punkin’ Pies. However, in light of our current political climate, it is irresponsible for us not to use our platform to take a stand. This year Curtis Pumpkin Patch will have all of the Fall Festivities you remember, with a few small changes.
Our classic “I’m Fallin’ For Curtis Pumpkin Patch” mugs and “Pie In The Oven” maternity tees will be available, but with our new slogan “Curtis Pumpkin Patch: The President Is A Rapist.”
Instead of a squashy paradise, this year’s pumpkin patch will be a barren field to simulate the devastating effects of climate change. Pumpkins will be available for purchase, but they will cost $1,000 and all proceeds will go to the ACLU.
Get lost in our “A-maize-ing” twenty-acre corn maze! It’s the same as our previous corn mazes, but you will not be allowed to exit until you register to vote.
Treats at Punkin’ Joe’s Pie Shop will be as delicious as you remember. Apple cider donuts, roasted sweet corn, and Joe’s famous Punkin’ Pie will all be prepared by undocumented workers we pay $15 an hour.
Farmer Bill’s Hoppin’ Hayride
At the beginning of The Hoppin’ Hayride, Farmer Bill will now inform the group he is a victim of sexual assault. All riders that believe Farmer Bill will receive a scrumptious caramel apple.
Ghouls and goblins love our Halloween Costume Contest. This year’s theme is “The NRA Is A Terrorist Organization.” Be creative!
Families will be able to pick as many juicy Honeycrisps as they can carry. Then they’ll “Mac-in-toss” those apples in a communal bucket and all families will get a number of apples proportional to their need for apples.
Wild West Photo Booth
Dress up and pose in our Outlaw Saloon. In the photos, cowboys must hold signs that say, “Expressing Emotion Is Not An Indicator Of Weakness” and saloon girls will have “Decriminalize Sex Work” crocheted on their skirts.
Kids’ Fall Fun-Zone
Tired parents can still “leaf” their little ones at our Kids’ Fall Fun-Zone. There will be yummy hot cider, mandatory vaccinations, and instruction in survival tactics for active shooter situations. Also, we have a mini-horse!
The “Silly Scarecrow” Fun Slide will be renamed the “Slippery Slope Into War With Iran” Fun Slide. The “Jump On Up” Pony Rides will be the “Consent Is Crucial” Pony Rides. The “Antique Autumn” Carousel will remain the same because we must cling to any shreds of goodness left in this desolate cosmos.
Our friendly witch “Gourdhilda” will be serving Kettle Corn from her giant cauldron, but this year “Gourdhilda” has been replaced by Elizabeth Warren. Enjoy a sweet & salty snack while interrogating your fear of powerful women.
First Aid Tent
Our first aid tent will be able to perform all basic medical procedures from removing splinters to icing sprained ankles to fully legal abortions.
Bring the whole family down to Curtis Pumpkin Patch for fall fun and the knowledge that no one escapes the judgment of history! We hope this year’s changes will assuage the guilt you feel frolicking in a corn maze while Western Democracy crumbles.
And remember that if you don’t vote you deserve to be squashed!