To whom it may concern,

If you are reading this, then I have applied to work at your place of business, or whatever you do. I am writing this letter not only convince you of my unwavering desire to work for _________ Co/Industries/Enterprise, but to also get ahead of what could be a tiny blip on my record. After I graduate this semester, I might take a gap year.

Yes, I’ve applied to MFA programs and a few other jobs, but the sad truth is that I may well be taking what they call an “involuntary gap year.” I will be using this cover letter, however, to show you how that gap year will help to make me the man I want to be.

Unless you are planning to hire me, in which case: STOP READING. GIVE ME THE JOB.

First, I’d like to say that the stigma towards gap years is unwarranted. The benefits of taking time to make some money while learning a bit more about yourself cannot be overstated. Unless, you want to hire me; in which case, screw learning about myself. Forget everything I just said.

Sure, getting that dream opportunity would be nice right out of college. However, one important thing I have learned is to not let hustle culture fool me. Life is not a race, and people move at their own paces. Did you know Oprah Winfrey got fired from her job when she was 23?

Unless, you want to hire me. In which case, what I just said about Oprah Winfrey was not true. I got it from a website called Not reputable at all. Also, I am not Oprah Winfrey. I will probably never have my own talk show, I will probably never have the power to pick my book of the month, so I need this. I need money. Please give that to me if you were planning to.

If I did end up taking a gap year, then it meant that getting paid money doing something involving what I just spent four years learning about just wasn’t on the cards, and that’s okay. Taking gap years makes people resilient. After a year of focusing on yourself, you become hungrier, developing a clearer vision for what you want to accomplish. Sure, it might make Thanksgiving dinners a bit more awkward when everyone goes around the table lying about the amazing things they’re doing. Sure, you might make it hard for your parents to show their faces at your church, especially since Mr. and Mrs. Washington’s oldest son just got a six figure job in Chicago. At the end of the day, you can’t live your life for anyone else.

Unless, you want to hire me: in which case, it’s not okay. None of it is okay. Come on! “Resilient?” You believed that?! You know what would really give me some resiliency? Hiring me and giving me a ton of work. Yeah, that’s right, work me hard. Make me stay late, work overtime. Give me a promotion. Make me prep Jenny for the big conference in Philadelphia because Cindy’s on maternity leave and she usually does it. Maybe you give me a nice office, but you don’t let me touch the thermostat? Really toughen me up, make me adapt to different climates. My parents won’t survive the secondhand embarrassment of me not working a glitzy job. They’re fragile! This year’s been hard enough on my poor mother. TLC was supposed to come to Cincinnati, but their tour got canceled because of COVID. I don’t think her heart could take one more big setback. Please. Job. Money. Give.

Ultimately, I believe that your success in life is largely dependent on your desire to succeed, your willingness to improve yourself, and being white. I come to you with 67% percent of these qualities, and am ready to put them to good use for you and your company. If you end up seeing a gap year on my resume, please know that it does not reflect a lack of skills on my end, but rather a willingness to take the time to get more skills. Please hire me, though!

Heman Duplechan