Ahem, ahem.

Hey there, it’s me, your cough and I’m done being the also-ran of the cold and flu season while that rat-bastard Sneeze gets all the attention. What? You think I’m overreacting? Ever heard anyone say, “There’s something so satisfying about a great cough?” I didn’t think so. But who amongst you hasn’t hacked up a good wad of phlegm and then examined it with satisfaction?

Sneeze gets his own special salutation but what do I get? Nada. Someone sneezes on a bus and half the population pulls a muscle trying to be the first to offer a “God bless you.” What kind of twisted social contract is this anyway? People will look the other way on a subway while someone’s getting groped or called a racist slur but let a sneeze go by unacknowledged-not a chance! So, why don’t I get the same respect? Someone coughs on a subway and people give them the death stare, wondering how they had the audacity to get on public transportation when they clearly have the bubonic plague.

Have you people even cracked a science textbook? The sneeze is the real asshat here. The average sneeze moves up to 150 miles per hour and small particles can travel in a “multiphase turbulent buoyant bubble” as far as 200 feet. That’s about two-thirds as tall as the Statue of Liberty! Talk about give me your sick. I’m like a Nerf Bullet compared to sneezes semi-automatic.

While I’m on it, why are we hanging on to “God bless you” anyway? Because people once thought when someone sneezed, their life momentarily left the body leaving room for an evil spirt or perhaps the Satan himself to saunter in, taking up residence like some low-rent squatter? And that if you blessed someone fast enough, it would not only stop the Devil from coming in but send him scurrying away?

I mean, it’s 2019, don’t you think old Beelzebub has better things to focus on? Say eliminating entire ethnic groups or ensuring a second term of Trump’s presidency, though in all fairness those could very well amount to the same thing.

Same people who think the man in red is causing irritation in your nasal cavity are probably muttering, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle,” when you tell them when you’ve been diagnosed with cancer. You know what people can handle? That’s right, a sneeze. What’s the worst that can happen? A bit of bladder leakage or a pulled groin muscle? You know what’s a real bitch to handle? Diseased cells taking over your body. If I had a choice, I’m taking Satan right there.

The fact is, in today’s world, even the most God-fearing or superstitious amongst us are willing to admit that what comes out of your nose is in fact not your life-force but is a combo of dust, germs and snot; so why are we’re hanging on to this social construct like the ass-backwards notion that Columbus discovered America?

In my opinion, the whole “God bless you” is about as outdated as the Electoral College and both should be scrapped. But if you truly can’t let a sneeze go by un-anointed, it’s time to honor the cough as well. I suggest “Expelliarmus” assuming that’s not a copyright issue.