Listen bub, I know you’re having a ball trying to pronounce stuff here in Amsterdam but a friendly reminder that this is a museum. Look around you; see all those adults looking at the wall? TAKE A HINT. It’s a minor miracle you even made it this far. So, kudos, I guess?

If you’re looking for a hearty guffaw, the Van Gogh museum is up the street. I can understand Britney with the shaved head quarter-life crisis thing, but to cut your fuckin’ ear off 60 years before penicillin was discovered!? That is comedy.

That’s right. I said it. I’m a painting from 1697 and I don’t give a fuck!

Hey! Jesus. Did you just use a flash? Put that germ slathered thing away.

Can you read the placard?! It’s in your language.

I’m not some lame meme for TikTok. I’m a piece of art, dude. I live here! In a museum! Where do you live? A shared one-bedroom in Bushwick? You barely have running water. Your parents must be sooo proud.
Speaking of, can we get some chaperones over here? You’re giving me big “scratch n’ sniff” vibes.

Do you even know who else lives here? Um, yeah. A little guy called “The Night Watch.” By Rembrandt. Ever heard of him? Who am I kidding… you couldn’t even spell it if the prize was the last Juul pod on earth. But I guess that’s what you get for public school education these days.


And spare me the I-went-to-college line; it was community.

Ugh. I can’t believe they even let you inside. You smell like a “coffee shop.”

And trust me, I’m pro-green. Why else would someone spend hours painting a bundle of asparagus? I just think you’d be better off with actual coffee. Or, like, Capri Sun.

Oh no…Was that too mean? Do you need a “safe space”? You wouldn’t make it one week in my century.
What would you even do for work? You couldn’t even hack it as a kaartenmaker! And those dudes were dumb. You’re literally using Google Maps right now! Without that blue dot you couldn’t find your way out of a papieren zak.

By the way, how does it feel to be humiliated by a small-but-intimate portrait of vegetables by Adriaen Coorte mothafucka?

Don't get any ideas either. My buddy Bas over there… yeah him with the earpiece… will tackle you faster than you can say “Helaas pindakaas.”

Why am I even wasting my breath? You barely know what asparagus is. Ho hum, just a member of the plant kingdom packed with vitamins, antioxidants, and fiber. But you wouldn’t know that cause you ate lunch at Subway… in Amsterdam…

Granted I’ve never actually tasted food because I’m a painting, but I’d rather eat a urinal cake than that sweet onion chicken teriyaki bullshit.

Asparagus is so hot right now. It’s so sexy that Whole Foods put it in a water bottle and sold it for six dollars.

Yep! Asparagus water!

And I bet you however many euros I’m worth they didn’t make a Colton water.

Did they, Colton?

Okay, yes; it makes your pee smell funny and looks like a fat pencil. But it is low in calories and protects against urinary tract infections!

But go ahead, laugh it up. You wouldn’t know culture if it unclipped your fanny pack.

Who are you listening to these days anyway? Post Malone?! He has face tattoos! Listen to some passacaglia in D minor by Dieterich Buxtehude and tell me that’s not “lit.”

You know what, I’m through with you. Move it along, bucko. I hear the gift shop has a set of coloring books with your name on it. Oh and enjoy your dinner at the Hard Rock tonight. I called ahead and got you a booster seat.

Wait, what are you doing?

Back off man I’m serious…


Don’t you dare.