Good morning! It’s me, your deflated holiday snowman just hanging out in your front yard and flapping in the wind. Well, it’s not exactly a good morning, but I feel better at least pretending it is. I know you’ve been doing the same thing just to get by for most of this year. I’m not sure this will comfort you, but I know exactly how you feel.
And I’m not just talking about the sagging skin, the bloated belly, and how we’re both completely lit every day by 4 PM.
I get it. It’s been a rough year for me too, and I’ve only been out in your lawn for about four days. Try staying in a box and never going outside for the other eleven months. Nevertheless, just like you, with some strategic bright lights and a huge painted-on smile, I make it look like everything is peachy keen.
You know how you feel when you forget to take your Lexapro? Unmotivated and laying around all day? That’s how I feel when you forget to inflate me. I also never leave the yard and I’m tired of staring across the street all day long. I only see other people when the Uber Eats guy comes to drop off your takeout.
It sucks being deflated. Plus, your neighbor’s laser light show choreographed to epic Christmas carols makes it look like I was just murdered in a Star Wars-style shootout.
People slow down as they drive by and shake their heads because I’m too close to the other decorations. And if they look even closer, they’ll see that I’m always in the same outfit, there’s a mess of tangled cords behind me, and there're piles of crap all over the place that no one wants to pick up.
Then there're the awkward interactions I have with the other non-traditional decorations that you’ve set up. In fact, they’re beginning to annoy the living hell out of me. Seriously, look at baby Yoda. How is he supposed to have anything in common with me or Cousin Eddie emptying the shitter? On top of all that, I’m still reeling from the tragic loss of Linus to some 8th graders who thought it would be funny to melt him with some roman candles.
I can’t wait until this whole season is over so I can go back to a normal life, whatever the hell that means. There're only so many weeks left in this season until you’ll put me and the other decorations back in a box to hang out in the corner of your basement. So things look like they’re going to change soon and believe me, I’m excited about any sort of change right now.
Speaking of change, you can save a little bit of it since there’s going to be a huge sale on lawn inflatables after Christmas. Then, if next year doesn’t get any better, you can pick up about five of those awesomely huge snow globes for your yard. Those should make everything better.