Goo-goo ga-ga, American Airlines flight 2474! How are we all doing this morning at 11:08 a.m.? Give it up one more time for the opener, the flight attendants demonstrating emergency landing proceduresssss! Those pamphlets! Hysterical, am I right? But, I noticed a lot of you weren’t paying much attention to them, so I’m really hoping that you all came here for me, the headliner. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I’m proud to commence my one hour and 38 minute screaming fit on this airplane from now until we land. Enjoy the show!

Now that we’re all comfortable in our tiny uncomfortable seats now, let me kick it off! What’s the deal with rattles nowadays? Seems to me like a poor excuse for a lack of jangly keys! Oh, wait– before I totally forget, can someone bring me a bottle? I’m a bit cranky this morning after getting my cheek pinched all last night by my Great Aunt Martha, so I could really use some milk to take the edge off. Okay, thanks Lisa, you always give great service, I’ll take a Bloody Mary as well, virgin, yes. Okay, back to my set. Any boob guys in the audience? This guy right here, me. Big time. In fact, I was sucking on my mom’s tit just this morning, and–

Okay, guys? Hello? I’m not loving the energy here, muchachos, and that’s disappointing considering we are on our way to Orlandooooo, Florida! You know, when you give my exhausted and embarrassed parents a dirty look, and then watch 30-year-old reruns of Roseanne on the little TVs, it kind of makes me feel like you’re not enjoying my set. I’d rather you just tell me I suck than seeing you escape to the 2×2 bathroom to relieve yourself from my, as you communicated to the flight attendant, “little tantrum.”

You guys are actually really brutal compared to the other audiences that've heard my jokes. At least I would get some pity sigh’s when I first let out a primal scream. You all? I only start to whimper and the lady next to me puts her headphones in. The United Airlines flight to Denver? They were eating up my drooling so much that some of them didn’t mind that some of it got on them! Just the perks of being in a middle seat. You know guys, I sleep for 18 hours a day to give you guys a real show 50,000 feet in the air, the least you can do is try your best to get your head out of the Sky Mall and pay attention to me.

But do you really think I even wanted to be an airplane comedian? This was in no way my choice. Believe me, it’s really hard being away from my stuffed animal I sleep with, Snuggles, and my imaginary friend Bob for days when I’m on the road. My parents got me into this business four months ago, when we first went to visit grandma because she was dying. I got some traction, and now I’m a child star, at least that’s what I thought. My parents will probably be mooching off me for the rest of my life, I’ll be washed up at age 36 months, and at this rate, I’ll never be potty trained.

Alright, guys. I’m getting the “Seat Belts On” light, so that’s my time for today, I’m hearing that we have to prepare for landing! Thanks for unreluctantly coming to my show and don’t forget to tip your flight attendants! If you’re interested in spit-up drenched merch, I’ll be at baggage carousel three.