First, I want to thank everyone for coming out to this press conference today. In particular, I want to thank members of the media, and the corporate representatives from Retro Fitness, Planet Fitness, and Curves for their willingness to hear my side of the story.
I have prepared a statement.
A recent discovery in the world of fitness has turned the industry on its head, leaving hundreds of personal trainers unemployed and angry. Clickbait ads boasting this new discovery are plastered all over the internet, usually featuring the headline “Trainers HATE him.” Sadly, personal trainers must be reminded of their anguish any time they visit highly-respectable websites like forums.bodybuilding.com, boards.straightdope.com/sdmb, and reddit.com/r/theredpill.
While details are murky, the claim is that an individual, only referred to as “him,” uncovered a simple trick for enlarging mass and blasting testosterone, enabling this mysterious individual to reach previously untenable peaks of fitness performance. “Him” then unleashed this trick, which had eluded fitness enthusiasts for centuries, on the world, essentially rendering personal trainers obsolete.
I didn’t have the courage to admit this before, but now I must confess…
It was me.
I’m the “him” that personal trainers hate. I stumbled upon a simple trick to cruise past weightlifting plateaus and gain 42 pounds of muscle in just one month. I freely shared this trick and now personal trainers are rapidly losing clients or are out of work completely.
I am so sorry for the emotional distress I have caused. I did not intend to disrupt the billion dollar fitness industry. I’m just a normal 18-year-old kid with a mind-blowing technique that permits me to bench press 420 pounds despite weighing a mere 170 pounds.
I thought my breakthrough could help gym rats reach new pinnacles of fitness and push their bodies to the max. I sincerely believed that my trick would spark new enthusiasm for fitness, ultimately benefiting personal trainers. But instead, we are inundated nightly with tragic newscasts showing lines of juiced-up gorillas spilling out of unemployment offices. Or of totally swole, newly-homeless muscle hunks clutching cardboard signs with phrases like “will motivate for protein.”
My heart truly breaks for them.
In addition to the far-reaching economic implications of this trick, I also didn’t consider that my discovery would be co-opted by sleazy, fly-by-night internet companies. Companies that care not of shifting fitness paradigms, but only of turning a quick buck. My goal was to lift others up, much as I now effortlessly deadlift hundreds of pounds from a deep resting squat. But instead the livelihoods of so many have been torn down.
I implore you, please, do not hate me for what was simply a lack of foresight. It was a mistake. An egregious one, but a mistake nonetheless.
I would be remiss not to address another issue that has recently come to light. Undoubtedly, you’ve seen other ads like “Dermatologists HATE him” or “Language professors HATE him,” “Wives HATE him,” “porn stars,” “police officers,” “stockbrokers,” and the list goes on.
Yes, that’s me too. Every single one of those ads refers to the same “him.”
And that “him” is me.
As it turns out, my simple trick is a panacea that can, among other things, fix wrinkles, kill belly fat, lengthen, strengthen, and enable you to learn any language. I don’t understand the science behind it, but my trick is a miracle cure.
However, I want to stress that I am not affiliated with any of these internet companies, and I have not, and do not intend to, make any profit from this shocking discovery. But Pandora is out of the box. I have single-handedly damaged or destroyed thousands of careers. And for this, I am deeply, regretfully sorry.
Finally, I want to say on record that I am not the “Grocery stores FEAR him” guy, nor have I ever associated with this person. I do not know his method for cutting groceries bills by 90%. So please stop asking me.
Thank you.