Hey! You! Prospective homebuyer! Wander no more, because I am the perfect fixer-upper home of your dreams! Three bedrooms, two-and-a-half baths, plenty of yard space, and I’m super close to the city! But there is one catch: I’ve seen a lot of orgies and I have the scars to prove it.

I have an antique and rustic charm; my bones are solid! I was built with real conviction in the 1950s for servicemen returning from the Korean War. And they came back home in more ways than one.

Here’s a plus: my electrical system was recently updated! That’s a huge task that is already taken care of. But, you will need to replace the original pipes. They are filled with…. Well, you can imagine what they are filled with. Buddy, it was the '60s and '70s, we were all filled with A LOT back then if you catch my drift. I used to have 30-45 people in me at once and not a bit of noise bothered the neighbors.

Hey! That’s another thing: I’m very noise-proof!

Also because I’m under budget, you could turn the basement into another space for the house or a completely separate unit and rent me out. And that’ll be like my basement’s original use—it was rented out as a 13th century Ivan the Great style pleasure dungeon. A lot of heavy rocks, ropes, and lube pipes all over the place!

In the '80s, the basement was the place for the freakiest of freaks. We are talking Madonna in her “Like a Virgin” days (virgin had a liberal definition); Axl Rose (who, I don’t want to brag, but made a sweet child of mine in me!); and the biggest stars of all, the entire Smurf community (you’d think they’d leave blue splooge, but funny enough it was actually green pellets).

If my insides don’t convince you, then just look at all the outdoor space! There is no way that you get this much yard space anywhere else at this price point. Fun fact: there were actually two units on this plot of land, but the second unit crumbled to the ground because of the motion that I was causing in the '70s.

It was free love! People were slapping meat on the deck, rolling into each other on the grass, and getting freaky in the hot tub. Oh yeah, about the hot tub, I would recommend getting rid of it. A lot of things can be rehabilitated, but some things should be thrown away.

Anyways, with this amount of yard space, you could relax as much as possible and host as many people as you want. And, I would loooooooove that. Bring people that excite you (wink, wink)!

I know this is your first home and be honest with yourself, you aren’t ready to leave the city life behind. And you shouldn’t! I’m a 15-minute metro ride from downtown or a 20-minute commuter rail trip to the arts district! You could have all this and more with me!

My access to public transportation is actually why I was so popular with the eyes wide shut community in the '90s. The moms and dads of the ‘burbs used to come in on the commuter rail and the recent grads from the city hopped on the metro. And this was before therapy was a thing so people were really ramming into each other looking for meaning. Those were the times.

But today I want you to look yourself in the mirror and make the right decision. For your finances, for your future family, and for yourself. Love yourself and buy me! And then bring your friends and love them in me! Woooooooo! Imma get back to my former glory (hole)!