I am often confronted with the “idea” that the reason I am still single is because I have standards for men that are too high. And by “too high” I guess people are talking about the fact that my standard for men is Heath Ledger's character Patrick Verona from the movie 10 Things I Hate About You.

And to those naysayers I say: is it really too much to ask that my ideal mate only pursue me initially because he made a deal with an evil popular boy promising that he would date me? How is that standard any different from “has a job?” Spoiler alert: it's not!

I hear you saying “How would you even set that up? Why would somebody pay a man to fall in love with you? You are a 34-year-old woman.” That question is, of course, silly, because the answer is that the evil popular boy will want to date the sister that I don't have, and for that reason, he will pay a different man to date me. Because, obviously and I really can't even believe you're asking more questions, the man who wants to date the sister that I don't have can't date my non-existent sister unless I date someone, too. Do you see how that's where the man being paid to date me comes into the picture? If the evil popular boy doesn't pay this boy to date me, then he can't date my sister who is not real!

Gosh, people are so dense sometimes.

Even more absurd is that people will tell me that it's “unreasonable” to expect that a man will serenade me with “Can't Take My Eyes Off of You” at my high school soccer practice at the beginning of our courtship. Just because I am a woman who is 34 and 16 years out of high school does not mean that I can't be serenaded at my own high school soccer practice. How is this expectation any different from “shares some of my interests”? That's right! It isn't!

Beyond all of that, people suggest that it is unreasonable that I would expect that my perfect mate be a genetic copy of the actor Heath Ledger and if he doesn't have that exact same Patrick Verona haircut, I will scream! I'm serious right now, those loose curls better be exactly perfect-jawline-length or I will absolutely not even consider dating that person! Do you hear me?

Yet again, I really don't see how this requirement is any different from a standard like “is at least one inch taller than me.”

There you have it, I'm not picky! I simply want to date Patrick Verona from the movie 10 Things I Hate About You as played by now-deceased actor Heath Ledger (rest in peace) and will not consider literally anyone else ever.

Thank you for taking the time to read my Tinder profile!