Wait a second.

You really expect us to suddenly believe all your religious superstition just because of this? So you killed a vampire with a cross. What does that prove? One single event can just undo all the work of centuries of enlightened philosophers? I guess someone should have told Nietzsche that if he wants to find out if God’s dead, he should go kill a vampire.

Have you ever heard of the term “self-fulfilling prophecy?” Maybe the cross is made of some kind of metal that vampires are sensitive to. Many people have allergies to nickel and cobalt, and direct contact with such a material could possibly produce a fatal reaction. You probably just got lucky. It’s only because you had to choose something Jesus-y, since you already believed that your theist garbage would work. You could have just as easily killed it with that rusty ladle over there, if you weren’t so obsessed with preaching to everyone at the worst time possible.

Yes, I can tell Collins is bleeding out, you don’t need to interrupt me just to state the obvious. Almost as obvious as your attempts to change the subject.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe it’s not faith in religion, but faith in anything that causes a vampire’s death? If a scientist was here, they could have probably killed that thing with a microscope. Maybe it’s more the idea of faith as a general concept which kills them, not your fundamentalist bullshit. I’m sure I could kill dozens of those things with my unwavering belief in logic and reason.

And who cares if we all saw it? That doesn’t mean it’s real. I’m sorry, but 5 out of 7.53 billion people is not a statistically significant argument in favor of the existence of monsters. It could have been something like group hypnosis, or a hallucination induced by overexposure to a methane or some other gas in the—

Don’t tell me to shut up! Collins is just suffering from delirium due to all the blood loss! Not everyone is one of your silly vampires, Charlie! What, are you going to restrain him with holy water? Do you really think that’s going to—

Okay, he’s biting me! Collins evidently contracted Rabies! Would one of you put down your silly theistic iconography and pull him off of me?

Oh great, you just murdered Collins. Way to escalate things, Morris. Hey, are you sure decapitating him with an axe was enough? Maybe you should try stuffing his severed head with some of that garlic Charlie brought.

…I was being sarcastic, Morris.

Look, if you people want to let Charlie’s crazy theories get to you, don’t think when this is all over that I’m going to overlook the fact that someone committed second degree—

Hey! I see you over there, Charlie. Put down that cross. Damn it, I know you’re thinking of staking me! Oh, okay, I see how it is! The first sign of civilization collapsing and you take this as an opportunity to return to the dark ages and go around staking unbelievers! I’m sure your “god” will be very pleased with you! I have to admit, it certainly is Christian of—

Ow. That got me in the gut. That wasn’t even close to my heart. Not only were you off in regards to vertical proximity, but the heart is actually located in the center of the chest, not off to the right. Maybe if you tried reading a science textbook instead of watching your stupid movies, you might…okay, I think I’m actually dying of blood loss…

…and would you stop shining a flashlight in my face, Morris? Where do I even begin with how stupid that is?

**ENROLLMENT EXTENDED THRU JAN 23** Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion and #1 NYT bestselling author, created Comedy Business School to teach you exactly how to do it through 5 learning modules.